[He opens his mouth, closes it, not sure what to say. Isn't it worth more than others? His entire life had been working towards sacrifice, even with all of the indulgences he'd been permitted growing up. If he wasn't required to die for the dawn he'd have given his life the way his father did, siphoned off years at a time to support the wall. It isn't as though he'd had any lofty dreams of ending a war that had existed for hundreds of years until the city fell and they'd been left with no choice anymore. He knew his place. He... thought he'd known his place.
His dad would have been happier spending time with his wife and child, but instead he spent countless hours in council meetings, sitting the throne, defending their citizens. Gladio would surely have rather followed his own dreams than stay tethered to a brat he barely tolerated when they were kids, sworn to pay the ultimate price for his king if it was required of him. Luna... she would have been happy to travel and help others at her own pace, he's sure, but she let the Astrals carve pieces of her life away for his sake, had died granting her blessing to the man who murdered her.
All those sacrifices, made for him. What right does he have not to return his own sacrifices in kind and then some? The king must sacrifice for all.
"You think I like the idea of people sacrificing themselves for me, one after the other?" He'd argued that to Gladio in Cartanica, and the reply he'd gotten was angry, frustrated by yet another failure on his part. "I thought you’d accepted your duty." As if his duty had to include the lives lost for his own benefit. As if it was a foregone conclusion that people were meant for death the way he was meant for the throne.
The throne he'd never wanted. The throne he'll never seat.
I'm not...
...I'm not king, here.]
I don't know the answer, [he whispers tentatively.] I don't know how to avoid getting hurt when it'll hurt them instead.
[This is... easier. It hurts, but the guilt isn't as bad.]
no subject
His dad would have been happier spending time with his wife and child, but instead he spent countless hours in council meetings, sitting the throne, defending their citizens. Gladio would surely have rather followed his own dreams than stay tethered to a brat he barely tolerated when they were kids, sworn to pay the ultimate price for his king if it was required of him. Luna... she would have been happy to travel and help others at her own pace, he's sure, but she let the Astrals carve pieces of her life away for his sake, had died granting her blessing to the man who murdered her.
All those sacrifices, made for him. What right does he have not to return his own sacrifices in kind and then some? The king must sacrifice for all.
"You think I like the idea of people sacrificing themselves for me, one after the other?" He'd argued that to Gladio in Cartanica, and the reply he'd gotten was angry, frustrated by yet another failure on his part. "I thought you’d accepted your duty." As if his duty had to include the lives lost for his own benefit. As if it was a foregone conclusion that people were meant for death the way he was meant for the throne.
The throne he'd never wanted. The throne he'll never seat.
I'm not...
...I'm not king, here.]
I don't know the answer, [he whispers tentatively.] I don't know how to avoid getting hurt when it'll hurt them instead.
[This is... easier. It hurts, but the guilt isn't as bad.]