carbungle | Hugtopia Contact Post

I... I mean, call me a hypocrite for it, considering the number of people I haven't told yet, but if you think she might bail because of this, maybe you should rip the bandage off before you get too much more invested. If she's likely to be more upset that you hid it from her, or... if it'll hurt you more in the long run.

[He rubs his thumb idly over the side of the cocoa mug, staring down into it as if it'll give him the secrets of the universe or something.]

You might have the right idea. If she can't accept you for your choices, and you're not gonna change for her, then better to know now. And if she can accept it, then... I bet that'd be a pretty big deal for you, sorta like how it was for me.

It's not...a matter of not wanting to change. I do, to a point--I know people find it irritating that I can't help but put everyone else first, but I can't change that so drastically that I-...

['-decide I want to live'.]

[Ardyn sighed and dragged his hand down his face in the universal and eternal sign of frustration before leaning back in his chair.]

If Honerva doesn't want this to continue, over this or anything else, that is her choice to make or not. I can live with that, and it would hardly be the worst I've ever felt. [At least she'd still be alive was the bitter remark Ardyn nearly had to bite his tongue to stop himself from finishing with.] But I--it's selfish and terrible of me, but I don't want to have to do this alone. There's no one else I can tell, and keeping it to myself forever is just going to destroy me.

I just meant this one- this particular sacrifice. Pretty sure you'd get universal agreement if you said you wanted to ease back on the self-sacrificing thing. Like- it's kind of a screwed up way of thinking about it, but it's helped me a little through my journey- you have to live now to die later, y'know? At least... I kinda got the feeling that's what other people believed, when someone died for my sake. [He fidgets a little.] I know you think you're immortal, but we both know something's gonna kill you. [Or someone. Or him.] So don't tempt fate. We'd like to keep you around for a while.

[And it feels even worse of a sentiment now that he's said it, so he huffs a frustrated breath at his own communication fail and forges ahead.]

Do... you want someone there with you? To help?

[He has no idea if it would even remotely make a difference, but it feels wrong not to offer in light of Ardyn's words.]

Merely living is a terribly difficult thing to learn how to do. One would think it a less complex task than all this.

[Perceived failure or not, the reminder that he was--for whatever crazy reason--actually wanted around managed to turn despondent frustration into a faint smile.]

I appreciate that you would offer...truly, I mean that. But I already tend to put far too much on your shoulders, and this is something I think I need to handle myself. Impossible as it seems at present, it's my own responsibility not to make this mistake a second time.

Yeah... that checks out.

[It had been a sincere offer, but at the same time an uncertain one; he didn't know what he could contribute beyond moral support (which is a weird thing to say about what equates to saying "I'm cool with dying" to one's girlfriend), and it's likely to be an uncomfortable conversation on multiple levels. He'd had enough third-wheel chats this month already.]

Well, even so, if you need me for anything you know where to go. Don't worry about my shoulders, they're doing okay.

I will worry exactly as much as I like. We may as well be overly concerned about each other, if not ourselves.

Ugh, I guess... just don't be annoying about it. Like to the self-sacrificing degree again.

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