carbungle | IC Contact

That's true. Thank you, Noct. Typing things out has helped me begin to grasp it.

I saw it like that before. Legacies left behind. Stories. Era was a seed of Hemera's soul, as was Ardbert, and the rest of the twelve. We were her legacy.

But now I realize I am what is left of Hemera, not what was borne of her soul. I am Hemera with eight fragments of my soul pieced back together. Fragments of soul that no longer belonged to Hemera, but the people that grew from them. Sometimes I wonder what they were like.

My mind is free of Hemera's memories, but my soul is filled with them. Locked away; silent and still. They stir sometimes when prompted. Like... déjà vu? Vague and unclear. More impressions than true memory.

I am a little bit afraid that the Crystal of Azem will make them more real. Who I am now is Era—Hemera after so many millennia of death and rebirth, adapted for life in the new world, not the old.

Apologies, I've rambled more. I believe the "TL;DR" is that I agree with you. I am me even if I am also her. It is my choice how much I allow the past to define the future I live for.

Hades was Emet-Selch, the Architect.

Elidibus was another of the Convocation.

He was the Emissary, and was sacrificed to become the 'heart' of Zodiark in His summoning. Even if Amaurot and the lost souls were restored to what they once were, Elidibus would be enslaved for all eternity. An empty shell; a puppet.

He gave himself willingly because he loved us so deeply. We were his people. His family. His friends...

“Stay strong. Keep the faith. At duty's end, we will meet again. We will. We will.

The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.”

It still hurts. I can still hear his voice, and see his kneeling, crying form. He was so small. Young. The voice of a man but the cadence of a boy.

The way he said those final words

Grief. Sorrow. Confusion.

As though he was startled to find himself alone in the end.

Anyone who dares tell me that was a victory can fuck off.

It was a necessity. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much I cannot stand it. All this killing. It never ends.

if u keep getting memories and stuff maybe u will eventually know more about the other fragments & stuff. and every time u can still decide what 2 keep and what belongs in the past

like it sounds rly messy so i cant imagine any of it would be easy but like... i think u can do it. dont be scared, if u need help we're here 4 u

re: elidibus um obv i can only speak thru my own experience but ive had some time to kinda work through wtf i feel about the whole... sacrifice thing. and i dunno how ill feel at the end, im not there yet. but fate like that sucks, its never gonna feel good, & youre right, its not a victory. i dont think that kind of thing is meant to be? not to the people who experience it. its too personal. like when the sun rises again on eos i dont see the guys throwing a parade or anything

i will say um

if he felt anything like i feel, about dying 4 the ppl he loved & making the world a better place, then it must have been worth it. u helped him get there, so he probably was grateful 2 u to some extent

and if u were there, then he wasn't alone, right? even if some1 i love was

[......]

even if i died bc some1 i love kills me, thats better than dying alone

right?

Mayhap one day I will have glimpses of those lost worlds in dream or vision. There is no one left in existence who remembers those worlds and their histories. I would like everyone to remember — to know they once lived, too.

I don't think I will though. All who live on the Source are the same. Every soul has been Rejoined seven times at least and there is no confusion stemming from that. The only difference is that I know who I was before, thanks to her dearest friend.

Thank you.

[ The rest of her message comes a while later, after she's had time to calm down and think of how best to explain. ]

You sacrifice yourself to bring back the dawn and while it works for a time, the Scourge returns with a vengeance, turning everyone into daemons.

You are revived by the desperate, anguished prayers of your people's souls. You cannot remember aught but your love for them and that you must do all you can to save them. To bring the dawn back once more and restore your people.

You begin culling all the daemons because it will bring everything back to the way it was. These malformed creatures are mockeries of your loved one. They are beastly; violent and cruel. You feel nothing but satisfaction in killing them, knowing that your loved ones will be revived by it in the end.

Then you come across one that fights back and, unlike the rest, this one is strong enough to kill you. It claims the world for its kind.

You die alone, because there is naught around you but daemons. You die alone, and all of humanity's hope dies with you.

You die alone, knowing that you failed them all.

That is more akin to how Elidibus felt.

[.....]

i dont know what to say to that. im sorry, it sounds horrible.

i hope hes at least able to rest & not suffer anymore, i guess.

I believe Hades had planned for this possible outcome, and made the crystal of Azem to aid me in the inevitable battle. His spirit helped me... And so I believe that Elidibus is with his brothers now.

I'm sorry for burdening you. I'm not ready to share the weight of this with Ardbert just yet, but it has been so heavy.

its ok. i cant understand it the way he probably could, but i dont mind listening if it helps u

do u have that crystal here then?

If you could understand the way Ardbert would I don't think I'd've told you. It makes it easier.

I do. I think I may make a pendant of it.

even though youre afraid of what it might do?

I am not afraid of it.

What stories it contains would only be of Hemera as Azem. I know naught of how long she held her seat but it was likely a mere handful of centuries at most, and Hades would not have known all of her adventures.

Crystals such as these tend to bestow information only when one's mind and soul are ready, so there is no risk of being overwhelmed.

I suppose I am simply... wary of it, in my current emotional state.

i get that

if u want to give urself some time just in case, u have options for some1 to hide it 4 u

I could never bear part with it, but thank you all the same.

I trust his spirit to keep me safe. And when it deigns to bestow a story upon me I shall share it with you, if you wish.

fine by me. doors always open if u change ur mind

only if u want to & are cool w/ it. i dont mind either way

I wouldn't offer if I wasn't cool with it, but I suppose it will depend on what stories Hades decides to tell.

Thank you, Noct. For listening.

np, what r friends/adopted family for if not weird shit like this

They are for loving and protecting. 💖

If I'm honest, none of what I've shared with you impacted me quite so much at home. I am so accustomed to my thoughts, words, and feelings being disregarded by others that I do the same in turn.

Things have improved as of late, but that version of me has spent so long ignoring herself that it is...uncomfortable when others finally began to see her. She sees these gestures of care and concern as a sign of her own failings.

It's difficult to absorb these new memories of mine, because the Era you know here and the Era of my home are so different.

Here, under Hades' gentle guidance, I have had the opportunity to discover who Era is, and nurture that person trapped beneath the mask of a hero. I may not always like it, but I can no longer deny myself my personhood.

At home, I continue to deny it. I still hide my true feelings and will them to go away until they do. I keep myself numb to so many things in order to continue pressing onward. I know I'll keep doing this because it's what's required of me.

There I go rambling on again.

Sometimes I wish I could reverse the Echo and share memories with you or Ardbert or whoever else I wished to. It would be so much easier than trying to put into words why I've struggled so since my awakening.

It is being wrapped up snugly in a warm blanket, the most comforting of cocoons to keep you safe from the terrors of the world, and then suddenly the blanket is ripped away, leaving you tumbling through a sea of fear and confusion.

So I shall apologize preemptively if I've odd moods or reactions while I readjust to these emotions of mine.

i get u. ive been trying to parse how im supposed to be back home versus how im allowed to act here & im still learning. on eos its all destiny and chosen hero bs, gotta be the king & always strong, dont have time 2 grieve or be selfish or anything. feels like ur not allowed to be a person or have feelings bc all the weight on ur back will break if you show anyone that youre weak

here is like...... whatever idk, theres no consequences w/ being allowed to feel stuff. so u can get married and share ur memories and get sad about stuff & be a normal human being

errr a normal person

is it that it didnt impact u or ur better at burying it back home bc u made urself think that sharing it wasnt possible? bc i think thats just how brains get wired when stuff like thats hidden for too long. im not a therapist or anything but i heard suppression get thrown around a lot when ppl thought i wasn't listening lol

anyway i think weird moods are normal after this sort of thing, i was a huge mess when i woke up so ive got no room 2 judge. at least u didnt immediately try 2 kill someone, thats a step up right??

unless u did in which case, awkward

Here there is so much time and so little to do to fill it. There is too much time to dwell on things. Being a person is kind of shite, I think. It's too hard and a bit boring, though I'm all right with the lack of death and murder.

That is... I believe I'm not impacted because I bury things so deep. It isn't that I thought sharing wasn't possible, but that I had no reason to think it mattered. Then things became more and more...

There was more slaughter. More war. More death. And if I stopped to think about any of it I would falter, and to falter was to risk the lives of those I love.

So suppression is an accurate term for it. My Darkside is as potent as it is because of all the emotions I've suppressed over the years. It feeds off of them. Occasionally there is too much even for Esteem.

...Fortunately I didn't try to kill him, though I thought he might've been my enemy wearing his skin so it was awkward for a few moments.

I ended up getting mad at him and storming out, then got lost trying to remember where we lived and started crying lol I'm relieved it was late enough nobody saw. It was embarrassing and gross. (¯ . ¯٥)

The last time this happened to me it hadn't felt quite so horrible... Did it take you very long to 'recover'?

it can be kind of shit but it just means u need more practice imo? at least i prefer it to the alternative. like i dont think i could handle being an ordinary no-magic person, i like a lot of the perks & hate feeling weak. but i could ttly live without the whole fate/duty/doom etc. back home i cant have one w/o the other but here i can be whatever i want 2 be. i can actually ignore these gods unlike the astrals always sending me migraines like they own my head (￢_￢;)凸

maybe u should work on finding an outlet. like im the biggest hypocrite to say this but its bad 2 keep it all 2 urself, esp if it can mess with ur abilities or esteem & stuff. something to think about anyway...

omg that sounds super awkward ( ˙▿˙ ) im glad u got it sorted. my sympathies 2 ardbert. some ppl say crying it out is healthy?? at least theres that

i mean depends on what counts as 'recover'. it doesnt rly go away 100%. i try to keep things on the down-low but i still have bad days u know? like ill wake up after a rough night & i know i cant see ardyn that day bc he might notice. it took a full month b4 i could even look at him. pyra and dad help me to calm down a lot when i get lost in my own head. but sometimes i see the wrong shade of blue and its like im

[....]

god idk. brains are bad sometimes

i do better with other ppl, and it got easier bc hes not that asshole. so maybe u will have an easier time if the enemy ur worried about isn't here?

You don't need magic to be strong, even if your physical form is weak, though the sentiment is one I can understand. For our roles we are given boons to aid us, yet they are not truly given — they come at a cost.

I am glad that here you've a chance to live life as whoever you wish to be, Noct. No arsehole Astrals to muck everything up, and you've a loophole where you keep your strength at minimal cost. (*°▽°*)

I just want to go. To explore. To venture the world. It makes me feel ill to think of how trapped I am here and so I have to ignore it.

Every iteration of myself that I know of has been a traveler. Even Kiyomi. She was kept locked indoors for most of her childhood, but once she was free she never really stopped traveling. It is a soul-deep wanderlust that cannot be sated by Havenwell.

I don't know what outlets for it I could have beyond what I already do. I train, I garden, I care for the birds, I sew and cook and keep house, and I've Ardbert. But none of it is truly fulfilling.

Poor Ardbert had to chase after a wife he was upset with, only to find her getting blood and snot all over herself. I'm sure one day I'll look back at it and laugh a little, but today it still makes me feel sad and embarrassed. (｡╯︵╰｡)

'Recover' as in feeling functional, I suppose. The smallest things cause drastic shifts in my emotions I can scarcely keep up with it. I am so easily distracted. Memories keep flitting to the fore of my mind, prompted by the most innocuous little reminders.

Far too many things came to surface when I typed that. (ﾒ` ﾛ ´)

I'm glad you've people to help you. Do you have anything you can keep with you to help ground you in times when you're alone? Hades made me a ring I can spin, and I can squeeze my tail around my leg. Physical stimulation to anchor my mind.

For me it's certain sounds. Crystal cracking or shattering. It sounds like my soul when it was breaking.

PTSD is shite.

Fortunately Elidibus did a piss poor job pretending to be Ardbert. He wore him so horribly I knew right away.

I just need to look at Ardbert's face or hear him speak and I know if he's really himself, but if I become lost in my head or confused he gives me a fist bump to pull me back.

( °▽°)═ɜ ɛ═(°▽° )

Edited 2020-09-22 16:10 (UTC)

ya i get that. even i get the kinda wanderlust once in a while & i spent most of my life moving from one big fancy prison to another lol. i guess it doesnt bother me much bc it feels a lot like home. insomnia was like this, big city with walls & magic protecting it, ppl caring about daily habits and culture more than what a disaster the rest of the world was becoming. here i dont have the royal stuff to keep me busy and i miss exploring but the lack of pressure's nice

i think if we keep doing what we're doing the world's gonna open up, based on what weve seen so far. its just a lot slower than we want it to be (꒪⌓꒪)

ummm distractions... oh we fixed the coding for kings knight so u can try that? i find it rly helps when i get the urge to explore new places & kill some stuff since every level is different. its not as good as the real thing but i take what i can get. also if u ever want to throw down and train im always game. i got some project ideas for forging if u want to work on some stuff?

wtf the snot i get by why were you bleeding??

i remember u mentioned that spinner yeah. pyra gave me a bracelet that i can fiddle w/ sometimes. idk if it's the most effective but it keeps my hands busy?

it sure is shit!! i have a hard time sitting still on a good day, nevermind when im thinking about all this dumb shit. or if some1 pulls my arm a certain way, or i get jumped... ugh if i made a list of what bothers me these days itd just look pathetic. cant i just go 2 sleep until i forget it all (｀Д´) o wait sleeping sucks too! it all sucks!!

i feel like ardbert is 1 of those ppl what would b hard to imitate. like he comes across as super sincere. how do u fake that?? im glad he does that 4 u tho. it helps a lot to have even just 1 person who gets it right

All of my memory at home was spent wandering the continent, never confined by borders. It is difficult. I'm happy it's something you're more accustomed to — it must make this place infinitely more tolerable.

I'd saved Ardbert's world in less time than I've spent upon this one. It's too slow. What are they even doing??

King's Knight... That is a virtual reality thing? Mayhap I'll try it with Ardbert.

I am always eager for training! And... Forging?

Oh

Yes, that was a Deerington thing. I'd had my own magic forge. I called it the Scionworks, because I am a Scion of the Seventh Dawn, and because I am close friends with those of the Ironworks.

Most everything in Deerington was out to brutally maim or murder you and there were hardly any weapons at all! I got so mad I started forging blades and enchanting them lol. My healing magic didn't work properly either — it just transferred the injury from one person to another. It was such bullshite, but I once let some assailants hurt me and then dumped those injuries right back onto them. 😂 That was very satisfying!

Oh um the bleeding was because I couldn't hold back a scream. I didn't know where I was and had to keep quiet so.

I find the spinner ring is good when I'm anxious, but physical stimulus helps most when I'm overwhelmed — a small sting of pain to pull me right out of my thoughts.

Make a list, Noct. Even if it's just for you. Then you can look through and find ways to make it shorter. Train your brain to associate a good memory to what once triggered the bad. It's very hard, but worth it.

Does it help if you're not sleeping alone?

At home I'd known it wasn't Ardbert but couldn't help but hope... When 'Ardbert' finally approached my friends and I in private I held out my fist for a fist bump as a test.

He just looked baffled, smiled, and asked if my arm hurt.

I said I thought he was supposed to be good at this. He spent enough millennia borrowing bodies and pretending... but he was absolute shite at pretending to be Ardbert. ┐(´ー` )┌

Then he stopped pretending and it made me feel sick. Ardbert's face was never meant to look so twisted.

Can you imagine his sweet face giving you a look of disgust and condescension? Then later twisting to absolute loathing as he promises to destroy your soul so utterly and completely that it can never be reborn again.

▓▒░(°◡°)░▒▓

lol maybe theyre wondering the same thing about us. "cant they touch each other more?? the gods need power blah blah blah", like sorry we're not glued @ the hip 24/7

ya its the vr game. remember u had that issue with how the death system worked? i got them to tweak it so theres different options. it shouldnt do the sensory deprivation thing anymore, so let me know if thats better if u try it

deerington is like the world u were at before? like prompto? it sounds rough, glad we didnt end up there instead of here. id rather be bored than maimed/murdered thx

ya i dont think thats very comforting geez. dont hurt urself...

ill think about the list thing. maybe if i can find a decent place 2 hide it, or at least convince carbuncle not 2 meddle. it likes to think it knows what i need better than me so who knows if itd stay private or if one day some1 finds it on the kitchen table ಠ_ಠ

it helps sometimes. i worry that im gonna end up kicking pyra out of bed by mistake or something. some dreams u cant escape from even if some1 else is there. cant deny that its better, so long as she doesnt mind the theoretical panic attack looming lol

why did he want 2 kill u? and why use ardbert's face? that sounds like a super melodramatic way 2 say it too, like is it a villain preresquitive to say shit like that

[LOOKIN A YOU, FEDORA MAN]

If they wanted people to touch more frequently they should have taken the men and women from the pleasure barges and pillow houses. This place would be so good for them.

I remember it now, yes. I'll be sure to check it out as soon as I can. It may take me time to work up the courage, as my first experience with VR was in Deerington. What happened to you in the games there translated to your body in reality as well. Such a wonderful surprise. (°◡°)

Prompto was elsewhere before Havenwell? I believe there a few others here who have experienced that, too... I would prefer being maimed than being bored, but being bored is preferable to being murdered.

It's fine to hurt yourself a little bit so long as you can heal yourself after. ヾ(´ ∀ ` )

If you come up with your own coded language it can help keep secret things secret. I've done that for some time now. And for your Carbuncle... Perhaps if you let it know you're working on healing it may leave you to it? All the reading I've done has said that these things take time, and cannot be rushed. What progress you make may be ruined if it chooses to meddle.

I find weight to soothe me when I've a nightmare. A heavy blanket over top of me, or Peki. It helps me to settle down again more quickly — especially Peki. Having something to hold has helped me as well.

Sleeping with someone else always comes with the guarantee of eventual discomfort, so it is a matter of if the 'risk' is worth the 'reward'. Ardbert loves to sleep with me because the peace it brings him is more than my stealing of all the blankets can take away. I enjoy sleeping with him because the security he brings more than makes up for his awful snoring.

Risk of being harmed in the midst of a panic attack, or disorientation from a dream, are something to be brought up as possibilities with your partners. Then they decide for themselves if it would be worth it, and you've done your due diligence in warning them so needn't feel guilty.

Because I am Hydaelyn's Champion. Because he believed I killed the last of his kin. Because I was the one obstacle standing in the way of restoring his home to what it once was. Because to him I was the villain.

He wanted to be the hero his people begged for, and so he took the body of a hero. My hero.

lol fair. maybe it isnt their choice. gods arent as great as legends make them out to be. learned that firsthand back home, so may as well b true here too

shit, yikes. take ur time either way, its not going anywhere. theyre probably making a profit for running it off just me tbh, i play all the time

yeah uhhhh a few people were in the same place? idk if it had a name, it was just a fleet of ships traveling through space. it sounds wild. thats how he knows honerva and the affurgato twins, they were in the same place i think

i am gonna very firmly disagree with u on that one, its not fine. take ur own advice and find a healthy outlet!!

coded language... geez. so not my specialty. maybe if i write in old lucian lol, then the only ones who might know are dad and ardyn and they already know im a mess in the head anyway. they cant see carbuncle, and i dont think it likes to get close to ardyn anyway

i go no-blankets a lot. i think im the opposite, blanket smothers net me lousy dreams a lot of the time. usually had to stretch out in my own corner in the tent when we camped. i dont rly get violent when i wake up or anything, but... yeah, ill talk 2 her just in case. its only fair.

sounds like an excuse to me, on his part. when that asshole made prompto look like himself to make me attack him, it was just to be cruel, to hurt us both. he took him to gralea like a hostage, but we were already going there so it was just pointless and shitty

stuff like that's below the belt. theres no good reason

Considering my reputation is as the God Slayer, I lean toward them not having a choice in the matter, though one can never tell with gods.

I should hope you are given a generous discount, considering all the work you've put into it!

I wonder how many here have come from other-other worlds? Perhaps I shall inquire on the network one day. I still need to post about the Dragonsong War, if I remember correctly.

Sometimes when I am overwhelmed the familiar sting of pain is what calms me down most efficiently. It was what I was accustomed to, moreso than a comforting touch, but I've gotten better with time. (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*) Though if you catch me picking at my scales I would request you point it out so I stop — I can heal other wounds, but cannot repair damage to my scales.

You could use a mix of old Lucian, emojis, and text shorthand. The combination should cause most people some difficulty.

If I use no blankets I need to dress very warmly for bed, else I'll freeze. Though I can only stand heavy blankets, as thin ones have a penchant for twisting and strangling. They are loathsome things. I do envy those who needn't use any blankets at all.

Elidibus hadn't known what Ardbert meant to me when he first stole his body. Ardbert's body was the most convenient to possess, as there was no living soul within to suppress the will of, and the history associated with him was key to Elidibus' plan... So it was only incidentally a dick move.

IC Contact | Hugtopia

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)