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[carbungle]

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[carbungle]

whatever's fine. anything's fine.

if you got him when hes happy maybe

he smiles different

[than izunia, than his memories.]

[astralera]

There is a warmth to Ardyn that is missing in that man. Anger so cold it burns, and all softness dissolved into hard, jagged edges.

[ She sends a picture she took of Ardyn with a much smaller Hythlo on his lap—clearly from a time within the first few weeks of her chick's hatching.

The little amaro is clearly enthralled by whatever it is Ardyn is doing or saying, while Ardyn is clearly enamoured with the precious creature sitting on his lap. ]

I have few of him smiling with his lips, but a number where the smile is bright in his eyes. I will send what I can to you.

Would you like any other pictures? I have a number from the eve of your father's birthday.

[carbungle]

you saw him?

[he hadn't known that. with her Echo, maybe, though whose memory he can't predict.

he looks; it's a nice picture. he looks happy, soft in a way Noctis can't remember as he did before, the memories jarring and twisted around what he lived through. it's... still hard to look at.

he saves it, closes it. hates how the tension is eased from his shoulders once it's gone from his sight.]

i'll take anything you're willing to give me

i don't know what will help, but

idk something might.

[astralera]

Somnus did.

If it helps, perhaps think of this this way:

Ardyn Lucis Caelum does not turn into a monster. He dies, and a monster takes his place.

[ I'll take anything you're willing to give me

Era wonders if memories count, even if they aren't truly hers to give.

In the end, she decides that the memories belong with family. ]

When he was still mortal, his hair was dark and his eyes were blue. It was not so hard to believe they were brothers then.

He was a wonderful older brother, always looking out for Somnus as best he could. All the while Somnus looked up to him, not unlike the way you had looked up to your father as a child. In some ways he was a parent to him, since their own were always so busy.

Not all memories are sad, or frightening. I was gifted with brief glimpses of happier moments. Ones that should not be forgotten.

You are allowed to feel how you feel for as long as you need to, Noct. I cannot speak for others, but I will never begrudge you for it.

Just because I care for Ardyn as a brother does not mean I cannot also care for you.

[carbungle]

[Somnus... right. The potential Echo would extend from the beginning to the end, in his case. He reads it all, quietly, once and then a few more times just to let it sink in. He doesn't respond for a while, lost in those thoughts.

Finally:]

again, thank you.

right now it's not so much about knowing. my head knows that everything about him is different here. he's a good person, he's really kind. it would be easier if he wasn't so different, then we could just ignore each other and move on. but that's not how things are. he's so freaking nice about it he'll accept whatever i need to feel better no matter what he's going through.

i can't change how i felt. when i saw him i saw the people izunia hurt, all the lies, and how much he hates me. he wants to kill me and my power reacted to that feeling. i almost hurt my dad bc i thought he was one of izunia's tricks. it wouldn't be the first time.

it's not safe. even if he's immortal i don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.

i don't know what else to do tho, so. photos. it's a start

[astralera]

He is infuriating in that way, isn't he?

Be careful not to force yourself. Trauma is an insidious thing. Keep your Carbuncle with you always, as it should help keep you grounded in the present.

Have you spoken with him via texting yet? Putting distance between you will only serve to let things fester.

[carbungle]

...is it weird that ive never thought of it like that before? trauma i mean. that's so screwed up.

[Trauma, just by looking at a person. Of course it goes far beyond that, but to hear it described so distinctly is... it makes him reconsider everything that's going on in his own head.

Are kings allowed trauma? He feels like Gladio would have a few things to say about that.]

i texted him this week. it went ok i think, all things considered

carbuncle's a good idea. its been sticking around more than usual but maybe if its there specifically when i try to work through it. i don't want to just cut contact and wait for this to go away, i know it won't. stuff like this doesn't fix itself.

[astralera]

When one's life is filled with chronic traumatic events to such an extent it becomes the norm... Their definition of trauma becomes skewed.

It was during my medical studies that I came to understand more of what 'trauma' is, and the different classifications of it.

It has been helpful to me to know that my reactions are not an inherent failing on my part, but simply physiology. Remnants of the instincts that allowed my body's biological ancestors to survive. Still, it is a hindrance all the same.

Having something to ground your mind to the present is a great boon when you become overwhelmed. I often use my tail, or the spinning ring I was gifted. Currently, my Carbuncle is the most effective method.

I believe the same will hold true for you. The most important thing is to feel safe and secure, and your Carbuncle has always been your guardian.

[carbungle]

ah shit.

[That's such a good explanation for so much of what he's been feeling that he doesn't even have the words to respond to it. Just. What the hell. What the hell are their lives.]

carbuncle is a messenger, i can't control when it comes or goes, but it's always been there when i need it. times when i think i need it and it's a no-show, that usually means either it's not the right time for whatever im trying to do, or it's something i can handle on my own. that's part of how it sends its "message" to me, i think. ill keep that in mind.

"spinning ring"?

[astralera]

Try explaining the situation and that you would like its company, and maybe it will acquiesce. Just because such assistance may not be strictly necessary doesn't mean it wouldn't help you a great deal.

A ring meant to occupy restless fingers. My



[ She sends what she has written so far, finding it too difficult to continue right this moment.

Hades was her enemy, her friend. Her companion, her partner, her lover. The person she grew to depend on more than any other.

The person who would be her betrothed, if only she had the courage to ask him sooner.

Can she call him that if she knew the answer, but she hadn't yet initiated the standard motions?


A few minutes later sends along another message. Attached to it is a small video clip of a ring she wears (on hands much thinner than Noct might remember). It's a broad, metal band with an intricate, spiraling skyline silhouetted across the the face. She takes the fingers of her other hand and twists the silhouette, spinning it under her fingertips. ]

My fiancé gave it to me many moons ago now, so I would stop fidgeting with my scales.

[carbungle]

[He'd been confused by the pause and had waited, keeping himself busy with other messages, so when the rest finally arrives... ah. That's a clear sign as any to him, as he'd done the same thing before when struggling with Luna's absence here or the memory of her death. It's like everything stops, when the reminder comes. That she's gone, that he's unlikely to see her again. That he misses her, that a piece of his heart has been severed and is now out of his reach.

He watches the video a few times, a lengthy pause on his end as well, and there's something curiously soothing about watching it spin. He can see the appeal.]

i'm sorry. i didn't know he was gone too

is there anything i can do?

[He knows he has very little to offer, but she's helping him, and doing things for other people - even little, inconsequential things - has often served as a blessed distraction from his own problems.]

[astralera]

[ She had hoped it wouldn't be so obvious, but has never been good with subtlety. ]

Just remember that he lived. It is what he wanted.

[carbungle]

[Sadly it's just not her gift.]

it isn't much, but i can do that.

did someone erase him from the history books too

[astralera]

He was one of three survivors of the Old World.

Only those survivors remembered the world that existed Before, and the people that lived upon it.

Hades loved those people with all that he was.

It was this love that spurred him to destroy my worlds, and why I had to kill him.

[carbungle]

things were a lot more complicated then i knew, sounds like.

hades?

[astralera]

The Ascians I spoke to you of before... The people who destroyed seven worlds and ruined another

He was not their leader, but had been their most powerful member.

Emet-Selch was his title. Hades was his true name.

[carbungle]

why didn't he use his name?

[astralera]

My companions and I were eight fourteenths of what he considered to be truly alive. Those of the Shards are viewed by Ascians as even lesser.

To give us his name would be to see us as something closer to equals.

[carbungle]

uh, yikes

[what an asshole!

...he will refrain from saying this.]

[astralera]

He was Tempered by the eldest of all Primals. Because of this, he was incapable of seeing any life upon the Sundered world as worthy. For twelve-thousand years he tested the limits of his bindings and worked within them.

I was working on a way to free him of those bindings, and a way to bring his soul home with me.

I could have given him new life and purpose.

The gods here are cruel.

[carbungle]

[Ah. Tempered, again. The more he hears about that thing, the more grateful he is to have avoided the effects.]

sometimes it feels that way

but without them we wouldn't have the people here that we lost, either. i can't hate them even if it's temporary.

[astralera]

More than once I have heard the saying 'it is better to have lost and lost than to have never loved at all'

Now I can't help but think it utter gobshite.

[carbungle]

it's a shitty thing to say to someone who just lost someone. not like it makes it any better

but i think it's okay to feel it, and that's how i feel

[astralera]

I never understood it, before. But perhaps it's different when you know they loved you in return.

[carbungle]

maybe. wouldn't know.

[they never talked about that, never got that far. like when they were children, she was here and gone too quickly.]