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Oh, don't apologize. I'm asking a lot of you, and talking the matter over ahead of time is help enough as it is.

[better to think it over than to just, you know, do the thing.]

...How did it go with you?

[Noctis hesitates, shifting uncomfortably, unsure for a moment. He'd brought it up himself, though, and... okay, he really is trying to get better about talking about this stuff. Ardyn's one of the few who knows enough that it's a safe subject.]

Remember... those visions we got, from Pyra's crystal? It was then. I saw myself die, and she saw it at the same time. That's how she found out.

[In the worst way possible, basically. Which is why he's advocating for that not happening with Ardyn.]

Ah...you're right, that's a terrible way to find out. I'm sorry you both had to deal with it like that.

[as the kids say, a big yikes.]

I presume she didn't take it well?

I...

[It could have gone worse, he supposes. Half of the misery had been drawn from his discovering her fate at the same time, which had (selfishly) distracted him from his own problems. It's always been easier to push aside his own issues in favour of helping someone else. Not that it had stopped Pyra from doing the exact same thing in turn with him...

That's her secret to share, though, so ultimately he just shrugs again.]

She took it as well as anybody could expect her to. Pyra's got some... unusual opinions about what's important. She's better at looking at the big picture, you know? Of course she was upset, she doesn't want me to die, just. [He gestures vaguely with one hand.] It's... easier to talk to her about it. She gets why I'm not fighting. She, um. Accepts it.

[He's not looking to start another war, he's not looking to sacrifice more people to save his own skin. He's not asking to be saved, but acceptance? That's what he's working on, and she's given it to him while at the same time giving him the space he needs to reach his own conclusion. It's a big deal.]

[Leaning his head on his hand, Ardyn looked away with a thoughtful hum to acknowledge he'd heard Noctis while carefully contemplating his own answer. His particular feelings on the larger scale of the matter were...complex. Complex enough that getting into it with Noctis himself more so than they already had before was something Ardyn simply couldn't bring himself to do.]

Honerva's already had to watch me die once. I don't presume learning it will happen a second time will leave her in an accepting sort of mood. she may just as well choose to end this whole thing on the spot once she realizes I've been hiding this from her all this time. Maybe that would be better for both her and myself; see it over and done with now, rather than live in fear of a loss that can't be prevented.

['Difficult' didn't even begin to cover the entire thing, and Ardyn was already having trouble putting into words what he thought about far more often than he wanted to.]

Then again, for all I know she may well wish to seek a way to change things. And I don't know that she would be wrong if that were the case, but neither do I think Pyra is wrong in her acceptance. The fate of the world and her people takes first priority, we agreed on that and I have no intention of backing down on that front. It-...

[He stopped himself with a frustrated noise, muffled by burying his face in his hand.]

...Complain about my self-sacrificing habits all you want, but I can't just stop being that knowing how all this will have to end. I don't know how to tell her 'no, actually I've been ready to die for eternity and now that matters' without having her immediately curse my very nature up and down the entire city.

I... I mean, call me a hypocrite for it, considering the number of people I haven't told yet, but if you think she might bail because of this, maybe you should rip the bandage off before you get too much more invested. If she's likely to be more upset that you hid it from her, or... if it'll hurt you more in the long run.

[He rubs his thumb idly over the side of the cocoa mug, staring down into it as if it'll give him the secrets of the universe or something.]

You might have the right idea. If she can't accept you for your choices, and you're not gonna change for her, then better to know now. And if she can accept it, then... I bet that'd be a pretty big deal for you, sorta like how it was for me.

It's not...a matter of not wanting to change. I do, to a point--I know people find it irritating that I can't help but put everyone else first, but I can't change that so drastically that I-...

['-decide I want to live'.]

[Ardyn sighed and dragged his hand down his face in the universal and eternal sign of frustration before leaning back in his chair.]

If Honerva doesn't want this to continue, over this or anything else, that is her choice to make or not. I can live with that, and it would hardly be the worst I've ever felt. [At least she'd still be alive was the bitter remark Ardyn nearly had to bite his tongue to stop himself from finishing with.] But I--it's selfish and terrible of me, but I don't want to have to do this alone. There's no one else I can tell, and keeping it to myself forever is just going to destroy me.

I just meant this one- this particular sacrifice. Pretty sure you'd get universal agreement if you said you wanted to ease back on the self-sacrificing thing. Like- it's kind of a screwed up way of thinking about it, but it's helped me a little through my journey- you have to live now to die later, y'know? At least... I kinda got the feeling that's what other people believed, when someone died for my sake. [He fidgets a little.] I know you think you're immortal, but we both know something's gonna kill you. [Or someone. Or him.] So don't tempt fate. We'd like to keep you around for a while.

[And it feels even worse of a sentiment now that he's said it, so he huffs a frustrated breath at his own communication fail and forges ahead.]

Do... you want someone there with you? To help?

[He has no idea if it would even remotely make a difference, but it feels wrong not to offer in light of Ardyn's words.]

Merely living is a terribly difficult thing to learn how to do. One would think it a less complex task than all this.

[Perceived failure or not, the reminder that he was--for whatever crazy reason--actually wanted around managed to turn despondent frustration into a faint smile.]

I appreciate that you would offer...truly, I mean that. But I already tend to put far too much on your shoulders, and this is something I think I need to handle myself. Impossible as it seems at present, it's my own responsibility not to make this mistake a second time.

Yeah... that checks out.

[It had been a sincere offer, but at the same time an uncertain one; he didn't know what he could contribute beyond moral support (which is a weird thing to say about what equates to saying "I'm cool with dying" to one's girlfriend), and it's likely to be an uncomfortable conversation on multiple levels. He'd had enough third-wheel chats this month already.]

Well, even so, if you need me for anything you know where to go. Don't worry about my shoulders, they're doing okay.

I will worry exactly as much as I like. We may as well be overly concerned about each other, if not ourselves.

Ugh, I guess... just don't be annoying about it. Like to the self-sacrificing degree again.

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