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That is good to know. I think I'll buy some potions to experiment with.

It's super messed up. I hate it. I wish I could ask him, but it is impossible. I tried to last year, before Ardbert arrived. It hurt him to even think it, however vaguely. Actual, agonizing pain lancing through his head.

I know he appreciates freedom, and I have learned that he has spent over 12,000 years finding ways to maneuver as much as possible within Zodiark's restrictions. He would appreciate no longer being so limited, but I would need to place new bindings to prevent the guilt of his actions destroying him. I am most concerned about this part. Fortunately, if he hates what I've done I can remove those new bindings if need be.

Hades is mine, and I am his. Like the sun and the moon, orbiting each other for millennia. It is a mutual claim. Zodiark has no place in it.

Your dad is very diplomatic. He cares so much, and it is evident in everything he says. When he and I message each other his consideration of and affection for me is so apparent that it often makes me feel as though I'm going to cry.

I don't want people to believe I hold no warmth or care for them. He radiates these things in his every word. I wish I could be more like him.

I am not very good at in-person stuff. There are many factors to pay attention to beyond mere words, and it can be too much.

Expressions are difficult for me. I spent years working to keep a stoic expression, you know? Because those who follow me in battle are more at ease if I do not show fear, or pain, or hesitation. Nobody cared a lick for what words I have, so I didn't need to divide my focus.

Now I have to try and use the right expression and the right words, while also paying attention to the body language, expressions, words, and tone of voice of one or multiple people at once. I have to use context to piece together unfamiliar turns of phrase, which is tiring. When I ask for clarification most people have been kind enough to do so for me, though some find it frustrating.

I do think I've gotten better. I still need to improve a great deal, but I have more experience to draw upon now. Our conversations have been particularly helpful in that regard, so I am very grateful to you.

If I may ask, is being spoken to in a more formal manner something that bothers Gladio?

[It still sounds creepy, saying it so bluntly, but he doesn't feel like arguing about something that mostly comes down to perception and isn't his business anyway, so he leaves it alone.]

Everybody wants to be more like Dad. It's kind of a whole thing.

You're not going to get better at anything if you avoid doing it. So you're no good at in-person, so what. You already said you're not good at communicating, period. At least in person it's possible to see emotions you can't hide. People can tell when you're really angry, or really happy. Your tail gives away how you're feeling too. All of that counts and shows others who you are. It's hard to really get to know someone through text. Believe me, I know.

I've never known Gladio to be bothered just by formal talk. Did something happen? I don't know if I should even ask.

What do you mean 'kind of a whole thing'? I'm curious now.

[ There are a few false starts, neatly crossed out, and a blot of ink where she left her quill to the page for too long. ]

My tail is embarrassing and I will try to control it better. I'm still learning who I am, and I'm not sure I like what I've learned thus far. I don't want others to see.

It is nothing important, really.

I was texting with him and speaking of something that made me nervous. When he commented on my speech I thought he was implying I was being polite for my own personal gain, so I tried to clarify. I believe I may have been too formal and cautious, as I don't know him well enough to know how to be casual. I also am well aware his boyfriend could not think more poorly of me, which is another factor I couldn't put from my mind.

I suspect we will have no further communications, so I suppose it is irrelevant now. It just caught me by surprise. When I am no longer angry at Hades I may seek his input on what I misinterpreted so I can learn from my mistake.

Gladio is very protective, and his boyfriend needs that protection. Perhaps it is a bit excessive, but they are a balance to each other and I believe that is good. To have that stability is important in this place. I hold no ill will for them. I simply disrupt their balance, and so I will keep my distance.

How has your dad been?

[....

okay he was gonna answer faster than he does, but her comment about Gladio completely derailed him for a bit. What. What even.]

Don't worry about it, sorry. [It's kind of embarrassing.]

Hang on. You said expressions are hard for you, because you practiced staying stoic. I tell you your tail helps you express yourself, and your response is you to want to hide it, too? You're making it into too much of a chore to be yourself. Don't control your tail, at least not with people you want to get to know better. Let it show people who you are when you're having trouble with your face. Hiding or faking it just makes it seem like you're lying, and we already fought about that so I'm not getting back into it.

Also- boyfriend??? First I've heard of anything. Are you talking about Stark? Far as I know they're just roommates. They came from the same alt world, not home, the way you or Prompto did. They're pretty close, Gladio said they're family. Protective I guess is the word for it, but they're both real aggro about it.

Re: Stark, I can't tell if he genuinely likes anyone. He's kind of flip-flopped with me so I have no idea, still figuring that one out. One minute he's all smiles and the next trying to chew my ass off...

And re: Gladio, I won't lie. When he's pissed off he's hard to talk to. I wish I had better advice but usually I just bail until we can both cool off. Give him some space.

Dad's doing okay. Getting used to a quieter house. You could check on him yourself, you know.

Curiosity is not worry, but I won't pry. [ She has an epiphany here, and slaps down a cute little smiley cat face sticker. Voila! The original emoji. ]

My reflex has always been to hide myself or my feelings when I'm uncomfortable. It's what kept me alive, you know? I spent two whole years hiding my features from the world. I had thought I stopped after I took off my cloak, but I suppose I just found different ways to hide, didn't I?

If you happen to notice me doing it when we're in person, would you nudge me to stop? I'll ask Ardbert and Hades, and maybe some other friends, if they're willing.

I don't know what makes you say that as I've been very careful to maintain anonymity. So I will neither confirm or deny and if anyone asks I never told you.

When I visited their home the way they interacted with each other was like Hades and I. There was an awareness and connection that goes beyond familial and more akin to partners.

Gladio did say they weren't partners... But the aggressive way he messaged me about Hades speaking with his not-boyfriend was an extreme overreaction for anything less. If Hades had gone to start a fight or be violent it would be different, but Hades just had words with him about his treatment of me.

So I would say if they are not dating they will be in the relatively near future, whenever they realize their feelings and/or stop denying them.

RE: Stark
Tony makes me nervous. I cannot predict him. His moods are volatile. His temper is easily triggered. Once sparked it ignites into an inferno in the blink of an eye. I know I am temperamental as well, but not like that.

I hope you've told him to sod the fuck off when he's chewed your ass out. If he's pissed off he can take it out on someone deserving of it.

RE: Gladio
He will have all the space he needs, as I will not be the one to reach out to him. He is welcome to contact me in the future should he wish to, but have no desire to upset him further.

RE: Dad
I reached out to him recently, seeking his input on how to help Gaius grieve more comfortably. He is the only father I know here that trust would be kind about the situation. If I'm honest, I think Tony would likely have told me I deserve to feel bad for killing those kids. I do, but that isn't helpful to me. So I talked to Da instead.

It was nice. I want to ask how he is doing, but I don't want to pry. I will try and remind him more often that I am here for him if he has need of me.

What do you think? Should I so more?

Sorry for asking so much of you. I would like to hear more about how you are doing, too, but I am not sure if that is all right to ask yet.

[He sends back a cartoonish doodle of a cat wearing sunglasses and smirking.]

I'll keep an eye out.

In part a guess based on association, but I found him in P&P with a headache thanks to a surprise visit from "Solas" on your behalf. They haven't been here that long, Gladio's quick to hook up with girls but bf/gf isn't something he jumps into so fast, unless that's changed too. (I don't even know if he's into guys, tbh.) Not that I think anything's going on, just that he's the only other option that might've given you that impression besides the other guys.

Don't know if I'm ready to consider it either way with everything else we're dealing with, so... just going to try and pretend this convo didn't happen, yep.

I told him to shove it. Few days later he apologized. He's in the neutral column for now, so we'll see how that goes.

[Got a number of people in that column these days. He doesn't know what to say about Gladio, since he's still learning the steps again there, so... she's probably got the right of it to give him space. Pushing him in the wrong direction never really gets anywhere.]

I think what you do or don't do for my dad is up to you. I do know that if you asked him how he's doing, he wouldn't consider it prying. If there's something he won't talk about then he'd keep it to himself, he won't be bothered by you asking.

~~I'm not~~

[There's a blot of ink where he rested, tapped, rested the pen a few times before continuing.]

I'm not ready to talk about how I'm doing yet. Still sorting stuff out. Usually I'd just say I'm fine, so... I guess that's progress.

Thanks for asking anyway. Kind of. Asking-but-not-asking. Whatever.

A headache?

I bet Hades teleported unexpectedly and startled him. That would make the most sense.

When you say "I'm fine" it usually means you aren't but don't want to talk about it. I like this new response better.

I don't mind if you're not ready yet. I won't mind if you're never ready to talk about it with me. I just want you to do what is best for you.

I will never begrudge you for taking care of yourself and your needs first. It makes me happy.

Solid guess. Ask him yourself, though.

It's not that I don't want to talk about it. It's just easier if I don't bother.

The rest, I'm working on. I told you before, that isn't your responsibility, and it's still true. You figure yourself out, and let me worry about me.

I haven't asked for details yet, as I was too busy chewing him out for going behind my back that way.

I was so angry with him when I found out what he did that my voice came back, then promptly disappeared because I yelled loud enough it hurt my throat. (I healed it better.) [ Gold star sticker + some sparkles here. ]

I'll be certain to ask him later, when I help him create the models of his monster forms. He is almost done the first form, but the other will require much more time.

Easier for who?

I was attempting to offer you my help if you both want and need it, just as you have been helping me. Not out of misplaced responsibility or worry, but because I know it's hard.

It is an open offer, and will be available indefinitely.

[ She thinks of something else she wanted to add, but the letter has already been sent.

She waits five minutes, then texts: ]

ACCOUNTABILIBUDDIES.
☆ヾ(*´・∀・)ﾉヾ(・∀・`*)ﾉ☆

That is the word for what I was offering in the letter I last sent.

I did not mean to all caps there but I am keeping it.

Edited (format lol) 2021-03-23 17:28 (UTC)

Don't wait too long with Hades, but OK.

Easier for everyone. Or less painful. Whatever sounds better.

I'll keep the offer in mind. Maybe someday. Still too close to the problem I think.

Never heard of "accountabilibuddy", though.

I think that, maybe, it isn't always meant to be easy, or painless. It takes pain to grow, doesn't it? Not a lot, but enough to ache. Maybe it's different for other people though.

It is "accountability buddies". If there is something you wish to accomplish that requires long-term effort, and someone else also seeks to accomplish something — usually lifestyle changes — they can hold each other accountable for their progress. Like a coach, or teammate, but 'accountabilibuddy' sounds more fun.

I have some literature on a technique you may find helpful. It's called cognitive restructuring. I am working on it right now, and I think it's helping me. It is, essentially, training yourself how to identify when your thoughts are being dumb, and then what to do about it.

Probably depends on the person, yeah. The one talking and the one listening. Other people have it worse, in the long run it doesn't matter... that's just how it is sometimes. But like I said, I'm sorting through it, so it's okay.

It's a cute concept. I don't know if I can be accountable for anyone else, though, at least right now. I'll think about it.

You've got books on this sort of thing?

Other people have it worse. In the end my pain doesn't matter, because it doesn't change my duty. I have to be strong because everyone is depending on me. To show weakness will make them lose hope, and my people need that hope to survive.

I try to think instead about how I cannot help them if I don't take care of myself. I don't deserve less than they do.

I have sent a tomestone with this letter. Look through the files it contains. I think it will help.

Easier to say than believe if it's not what you've been told. I get it, though.

Thanks for the info, I'll have a look when I can.

At home it was always simple. Here, it's a struggle. But that is life, I suppose.

I hope you find it useful.

[His response is through text- a simple thumbs-up emote.]

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