carbungle | Hugtopia Contact Post

[ As she watches his expression shift from peaceful to concerned, she makes another pass of her fingers across his forehead. ] Good... I-- ...good. [ She repeats, quieter this time. ]

I only want you to feel that it's okay to let others know, or just walk away, if you feel as if they're treating you as less.

[ That sort of toxicity in his life-- he doesn't need it, and she remembers how tightly he had returned one day to their home only to bring her into a hug, the strength of which may have been proportionate to how much he had been hurt. ] What you say... what you feel. It matters. [ To Bahamut, maybe it doesn't, maybe as a child he was led to believe that he didn't, when his father had so much more on his shoulders, and perhaps as an adult he feels the same that the world is so much more. The world is important, but that doesn't make what he feels invalid or any less. ]

[To tell them, or... to walk away. He thought he'd tried it that day, and initially it hadn't made him feel any better; on the other hand, if he'd stayed he likely would have felt worse. Instead he'd gone home to find Pyra, and they'd had a fun afternoon, and in her company he'd felt so much better about, while not the situation, at least himself. They'd accomplished something together and faced the rest of the day smiling. That was better. It can be better.

He inhales and exhales again, slow and steady, trying to take the first steps in making it as instinctive as possible when he's stressed. It's going to take time, he knows, but... this is a start. It's a start of something.

The movement is a little clumsy due to his positioning, but he shifts his free hand from Carbuncle's fur to wind around her waist, a little half-hug as he tries to muster a smile.]

You know... I don't think I've ever felt like that wasn't true with you. Looking back, you've always listened, even when I'm not saying what I should. You make it seem so easy. Do you ever get to feel like that?

[Does he help her feel that way? He's hoping so.]

[ When his arm finds its way to give her waist a small half-hug, she smiles. She's grateful to hear those words-- that he feels valued with her, safe enough to speak his mind. She doesn't ever wish to be dismissive with him, to push his suffering down, or to not take his own words and not reflect upon them. ]

You listen. [ She replies with a quiet, loving expression. He's listening to her right now, her thoughts on this, her want to not see him hurt, her want for him to accept better for himself. That's listening, too, and not tossing her words away.

And sometimes, he listens so much that he forgets about himself.

If he could have stood up to Bahamut and express himself, what would he have said, then? What would he have wanted to shout or cry? It isn't fair to him, to keep that all inside, and keeping all of that inside is just the start of it. The world's fate is a heavy burden upon him, the world is worth saving, but he shouldn't have to feel so isolated and-- silent because of it.

...Ah, there it is again. That sudden feeling of both mourning and yearning-- a part of her wants to abandon all of the seals placed upon her, so that at the height of their power, they could make him into a god.

And wouldn't he just be magnificent? As if it might give him a chance to do whatever it is that he would wish to, to save all of his world and loved ones without any sacrifice. But. Power lends one of air of capability, of wishful thinking, and temptation that blinds consequence...

So she settles with a squeeze of his hand, deciding to get back on topic. ]

So... what will you do? What do you... want to do, with Era, I mean?

[A relieved and grateful look crosses his face when she answers, confirming his hope, and he's able to relax a little. At the core of him still exists - and always will - that desire and need to make people happy; the goal of this is not to squash that desire but to make sure it doesn't supercede his own happiness. He can work on that, but he doesn't want it to come at the expense of someone he loves. It might be a hard balance to find. At least with her, it's much, much easier, and for that he's both glad and grateful.

Next, what will he do... what does he want to do. Both good questions. He purses his lips and tilts his head into her stomach, his gaze drifting up the hill as he mulls it over.]

I'm... not really sure. Nothing yet, I... think. I told her what I thought last time, and when she reached out after it was for all the wrong reasons. I don't... want to ask anything of her. Not if she doesn't want us, or can't say she does. And not if she thinks all we ever do is ask for things.

[The fact that he couldn't even greet her at the party without her questioning him made it clear she needs to figure some stuff out. He can't do that for her. And he can't accept her terrible apologies.]

I'll figure out what I want when she sets the terms for what happens going forward. Just... [Deep breath. Putting it into practice. Not so hard, right? Hah...] Only if what she wants is good for me, too.

[ Balance is key, and this won't be the end of it. Some days it might be hard-- like this day. She hopes they'll get better, and most importantly--

"Only if what she wants is good for me, too."

--he won't feel the need to sacrifice his happiness for another. Although that, too, might take some work. Old habits and whatnot. Nevertheless, this is the conclusion he's drawn after all of their discussion, and ultimately, all she wishes to do is be there for him.

There's only one thing to say about this: ]

Then, I'll support you.

[His hands flex against her in reaction to her words, tightening gently, holding her closer. The smile is stronger this time, still tired and sad, but true, and getting better.]

I know, [he murmurs. As if it was a foregone conclusion, as if he didn't need to hear it but is glad to, anyway. She's always supported him] Thanks.

[And then, softer still, with eyes closed and face against her warmth,] I love you.

[Twenty-one years, and he'd never tackled these thoughts alone or with anything else. He can only hope he doesn't fail after everything she's done, that he can follow through on the advice she'd offered him. With her help, though, he's confident that he'll remember to try, and that isn't without meaning.]

[ Within Elysium, it's easy to set oneself apart from the world to take a moment-- or many moments-- to breathe. She finds herself returning more and more often, and whether he finds himself returning again or not, he'll be welcome. This space is for him, too: the breeze, the bells, the grass below and the sky above.

Oh, how she wants everything for him, and how she laments that some things just can't be given-- such as views he holds of himself, putting him lower or accepting being hurt-- things, habits, and beliefs that he'll have to overcome on his own terms, over time, and with both patience and balance. She'll simply have to be there to support him on his journey. ] I love you.

[ And she-- ] And... I look forward to supporting you, too. [ Because if and when he does overcome these habits, even just partially, or even just small, little victories, she wants to celebrate him for caring for himself-- because the world knows that he doesn't do it enough.

Pyra's arms find his shoulders, giving them a squeeze, her tone cautiously playful. ]

I'm going to hug you so hard every step of the way.

[That at last earns her a proper smile out of him, half-hidden where he's pressed against her. His now-free hand curls fingers around her arm, thumb rubbing idly to acknowledge the hug. It's easier to relax now that they've seemingly shifted a little bit away from the serious unboxing of his emotional mess, though he's well aware that it isn't any kind of instant fix, either. Still, this place and her company has done wonders for him, just like when he'd come home to hug her when he felt like he'd been falling apart.]

Hard enough to drag all this buried stuff out of me?

[That would be one way to get him talking. Maybe.]

Mm, well...! [ A playful glint in her eyes precedes her smile. ] If it can be done-- [ Hopefully, he's ready for a hug here and now!

Pyra shifts to lie against him, and then hugs him to her. Beneath them, the grass remains as soft as blankets. Above them, the sky is blue and clear as his eyes. Against him, she's as warm as her embrace. ]

Iiiisss... this hard enough for a hug?

Mmph.

[A muffled noise is all she gets at first; initially because she's holding him against herself, but then, as he shifts position and wraps himself tightly around her in return, because his face is buried against her shoulder. For a long moment he just... stays like that, the same way they'd started out, quiet and indulging in the sweet comfort of her presence. He wants this. He needs this. He's so, so glad she's here.

Finally he shifts his head a little, enough that she can hear him again.]

Just... just enough. It's perfect.

[ As soon as she hears his voice, she turns her head to nuzzle her cheek against his.

She doesn't need to look at him to see how dazzling it is, the smile she hears in his voice at last. Her arms tighten around him for a moment more. ]

Good... [ She whispers, then repeats: ] Good.

Because I'm not letting go anytime soon.

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