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They had been best friends for centuries. They loved each other but never had opportunity to act upon it. What I felt and feel for him was inevitable.

I had told him that even if Hemera's soul was made whole again I would never be her, but I think I was wrong. I have always been her.

are you ok with that? i mean

do you WANT to be her, bc like. its bad if u feel like u have to force yourself. whatever u were in the past u can be ur own person now

if the universe keeps trying to hammer it in u can tell it to f off

[ That question gives her long pause. ]

I'm not sure.

I am all right with being Azem. It is a title Hemera earned all that time ago, and now it is a title restored to me.

Azem, the Traveler. Shepherd to the stars in the dark.

It suits. I like it more than the Warrior of Light and Darkness.

The first adventurer, roaming the world to learn of it and its people, offering aid wherever they could. Azem was meant to inform the Convocation of incidences their influence may be required.

Hemera had a tendency of solving problems all her own with the friends she made during her travels. Her signature spell was even one that summoned seven comrades to her side in times of need.

She was not afraid of going against the status quo in a society structured in a way where the norm was conformity in all ways save pursuits of knowledge or Creation. And yet she was still so trusted by the people that she was chosen to help guide and protect them.

I think...

I was and am Hemera just as I was and am Kiyomi, even if I cannot remember. It does not change who I am because this is who I always was, irregardless of memories. I have always held the desire to aid others, to protect them, to explore and learn new things; a wanderlust that can never be sated.

I have not spoken of this to Ardbert yet. I am not sure he will understand... He is and was a piece of Hemera, but he was never her.

Each Shard is akin to a clipping from a tree that grows into a plant all its own—they are of that tree but you cannot say they are that tree. The Source is the tree from whence those clippings came.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure.

It is confusing.

I learned of Hemera before in this world thanks to Hades, but he never shared overmuch. He never told me my seat. My duties. He saw her in me but never saw me as her...

At home he and I were enemies, yet weren't. He never told me I was his friend in that time before time — not on his own. He did it through his Creations.

He made me a crystal, filled with his recollections of Azem. A chronicle. A message. A final gift that saved me when I faced the last of the Unsundered.

“Herein I commit the chronicle of the traveler. Shepherd to the stars in the dark.

Though the world be sundered and our souls set adrift, where you walk, my dearest friend, fate shall surely follow.

For yours is the Fourteenth seat — the seat of Azem.”

He is dead. His soul is adrift, and yet...

When I had no hope of saving myself I called upon my crystal in desperation and he came to my aid.

There is so much of him within it, Noct. It was made with such love and hope, filled with stories and magic. Filled with so much of Hades, not what he became.

I'm rambling on and on. Apologies.

Memories are still awhirl in my mind, trying to settle into place. There is so much even though it had only been a few short moons.

My family has returned home safely. No one I love was lost. I should be happy.

But there are so many other things. I am so sad, Noct. I keep crying. I hate it. I don't want to feel these things. I never wanted this. I never wanted it to end this way, but I had no choice. I had to kill him, and in the end I know it was a mercy. He would have been alone for all eternity.

He was my greatest enemy save for Zodiark Himself. He was Zodiark's heart.

He was a boy. Just a boy. Even after so many millennia.

A boy Primal who knew only duty, and wanted nothing more than to be reunited with the family he lost.

I hate killing. I have always hated killing despite so often having to. I've ended countless lives, but never a child. Not like that.

My soul mourns Elidibus and I cannot tell Ardbert. Not yet. He would not understand.

Elidibus was like a younger brother to her. A little brother that she failed to save.

I cannot
I can't imagine it. If you or Alphinaud were to suffer that fate.

I know your fate will be unkind but

It will still be better than that.

[.............]

dude

[Okay but for real he needs a bit to read and process all of that, of which there is a lot.]

it is def confusing thats for sure. but talking helps hash stuff out rite? so whatever u need to say, i can at least listen even if i dont get it lol

i guess youre kind of getting those memory gaps filled in, just not in the way you'd expect? like u dont remember your early years but it turns out u have like 14K worth of "early years" to remember, or not remember, depending on how it goes

like if its u but not u its kinda like.......god idk

when i was little one of my favourite things was when dad had time to sit with me at night & tell me a bedtime story. hed read fantasy books and old lore and stories about our family but i liked it best when he told me stories about what he did when he was younger. his adventures and stuff

calling it our "legacy" sounds fancier than it deserves but it was kinda that. my dads legacy. since we have that history i could imagine myself going on those kinds of adventures, being a hero and fighting monsters to help lucis

so maybe its kind of like that? u have those adventures in ur head now & even if u didnt physically do it, its your personal legacy or w/e. now if u hear stories about azem or hemera u can imagine urself doing them even if the actual memory isnt there, or. idk what im trying to say here, i guess just that you can take what you want to from the memories, & ignore what doesnt feel right. bc the you of the past doesnt have to be the same you of now.

man saying it like that makes it feel like the reverse of trying 2 talk 2 ardyn about the future stuff, geez

i cant speak on the hades stuff rly, thats way out of my league. i dont think i get it- is elidibus also hades?? or someone else? u lost me, every1 has like twelve names

or 14 names

....ok ignore that it was funnier in my head

i wont tell ardbert tho.

That's true. Thank you, Noct. Typing things out has helped me begin to grasp it.

I saw it like that before. Legacies left behind. Stories. Era was a seed of Hemera's soul, as was Ardbert, and the rest of the twelve. We were her legacy.

But now I realize I am what is left of Hemera, not what was borne of her soul. I am Hemera with eight fragments of my soul pieced back together. Fragments of soul that no longer belonged to Hemera, but the people that grew from them. Sometimes I wonder what they were like.

My mind is free of Hemera's memories, but my soul is filled with them. Locked away; silent and still. They stir sometimes when prompted. Like... déjà vu? Vague and unclear. More impressions than true memory.

I am a little bit afraid that the Crystal of Azem will make them more real. Who I am now is Era—Hemera after so many millennia of death and rebirth, adapted for life in the new world, not the old.

Apologies, I've rambled more. I believe the "TL;DR" is that I agree with you. I am me even if I am also her. It is my choice how much I allow the past to define the future I live for.

Hades was Emet-Selch, the Architect.

Elidibus was another of the Convocation.

He was the Emissary, and was sacrificed to become the 'heart' of Zodiark in His summoning. Even if Amaurot and the lost souls were restored to what they once were, Elidibus would be enslaved for all eternity. An empty shell; a puppet.

He gave himself willingly because he loved us so deeply. We were his people. His family. His friends...

“Stay strong. Keep the faith. At duty's end, we will meet again. We will. We will.

The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.”

It still hurts. I can still hear his voice, and see his kneeling, crying form. He was so small. Young. The voice of a man but the cadence of a boy.

The way he said those final words

Grief. Sorrow. Confusion.

As though he was startled to find himself alone in the end.

Anyone who dares tell me that was a victory can fuck off.

It was a necessity. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much I cannot stand it. All this killing. It never ends.

if u keep getting memories and stuff maybe u will eventually know more about the other fragments & stuff. and every time u can still decide what 2 keep and what belongs in the past

like it sounds rly messy so i cant imagine any of it would be easy but like... i think u can do it. dont be scared, if u need help we're here 4 u

re: elidibus um obv i can only speak thru my own experience but ive had some time to kinda work through wtf i feel about the whole... sacrifice thing. and i dunno how ill feel at the end, im not there yet. but fate like that sucks, its never gonna feel good, & youre right, its not a victory. i dont think that kind of thing is meant to be? not to the people who experience it. its too personal. like when the sun rises again on eos i dont see the guys throwing a parade or anything

i will say um

if he felt anything like i feel, about dying 4 the ppl he loved & making the world a better place, then it must have been worth it. u helped him get there, so he probably was grateful 2 u to some extent

and if u were there, then he wasn't alone, right? even if some1 i love was

[......]

even if i died bc some1 i love kills me, thats better than dying alone

right?

Mayhap one day I will have glimpses of those lost worlds in dream or vision. There is no one left in existence who remembers those worlds and their histories. I would like everyone to remember — to know they once lived, too.

I don't think I will though. All who live on the Source are the same. Every soul has been Rejoined seven times at least and there is no confusion stemming from that. The only difference is that I know who I was before, thanks to her dearest friend.

Thank you.

[ The rest of her message comes a while later, after she's had time to calm down and think of how best to explain. ]

You sacrifice yourself to bring back the dawn and while it works for a time, the Scourge returns with a vengeance, turning everyone into daemons.

You are revived by the desperate, anguished prayers of your people's souls. You cannot remember aught but your love for them and that you must do all you can to save them. To bring the dawn back once more and restore your people.

You begin culling all the daemons because it will bring everything back to the way it was. These malformed creatures are mockeries of your loved one. They are beastly; violent and cruel. You feel nothing but satisfaction in killing them, knowing that your loved ones will be revived by it in the end.

Then you come across one that fights back and, unlike the rest, this one is strong enough to kill you. It claims the world for its kind.

You die alone, because there is naught around you but daemons. You die alone, and all of humanity's hope dies with you.

You die alone, knowing that you failed them all.

That is more akin to how Elidibus felt.

[.....]

i dont know what to say to that. im sorry, it sounds horrible.

i hope hes at least able to rest & not suffer anymore, i guess.

I believe Hades had planned for this possible outcome, and made the crystal of Azem to aid me in the inevitable battle. His spirit helped me... And so I believe that Elidibus is with his brothers now.

I'm sorry for burdening you. I'm not ready to share the weight of this with Ardbert just yet, but it has been so heavy.

its ok. i cant understand it the way he probably could, but i dont mind listening if it helps u

do u have that crystal here then?

If you could understand the way Ardbert would I don't think I'd've told you. It makes it easier.

I do. I think I may make a pendant of it.

even though youre afraid of what it might do?

I am not afraid of it.

What stories it contains would only be of Hemera as Azem. I know naught of how long she held her seat but it was likely a mere handful of centuries at most, and Hades would not have known all of her adventures.

Crystals such as these tend to bestow information only when one's mind and soul are ready, so there is no risk of being overwhelmed.

I suppose I am simply... wary of it, in my current emotional state.

i get that

if u want to give urself some time just in case, u have options for some1 to hide it 4 u

I could never bear part with it, but thank you all the same.

I trust his spirit to keep me safe. And when it deigns to bestow a story upon me I shall share it with you, if you wish.

fine by me. doors always open if u change ur mind

only if u want to & are cool w/ it. i dont mind either way

I wouldn't offer if I wasn't cool with it, but I suppose it will depend on what stories Hades decides to tell.

Thank you, Noct. For listening.

np, what r friends/adopted family for if not weird shit like this

They are for loving and protecting. 💖

If I'm honest, none of what I've shared with you impacted me quite so much at home. I am so accustomed to my thoughts, words, and feelings being disregarded by others that I do the same in turn.

Things have improved as of late, but that version of me has spent so long ignoring herself that it is...uncomfortable when others finally began to see her. She sees these gestures of care and concern as a sign of her own failings.

It's difficult to absorb these new memories of mine, because the Era you know here and the Era of my home are so different.

Here, under Hades' gentle guidance, I have had the opportunity to discover who Era is, and nurture that person trapped beneath the mask of a hero. I may not always like it, but I can no longer deny myself my personhood.

At home, I continue to deny it. I still hide my true feelings and will them to go away until they do. I keep myself numb to so many things in order to continue pressing onward. I know I'll keep doing this because it's what's required of me.

There I go rambling on again.

Sometimes I wish I could reverse the Echo and share memories with you or Ardbert or whoever else I wished to. It would be so much easier than trying to put into words why I've struggled so since my awakening.

It is being wrapped up snugly in a warm blanket, the most comforting of cocoons to keep you safe from the terrors of the world, and then suddenly the blanket is ripped away, leaving you tumbling through a sea of fear and confusion.

So I shall apologize preemptively if I've odd moods or reactions while I readjust to these emotions of mine.

i get u. ive been trying to parse how im supposed to be back home versus how im allowed to act here & im still learning. on eos its all destiny and chosen hero bs, gotta be the king & always strong, dont have time 2 grieve or be selfish or anything. feels like ur not allowed to be a person or have feelings bc all the weight on ur back will break if you show anyone that youre weak

here is like...... whatever idk, theres no consequences w/ being allowed to feel stuff. so u can get married and share ur memories and get sad about stuff & be a normal human being

errr a normal person

is it that it didnt impact u or ur better at burying it back home bc u made urself think that sharing it wasnt possible? bc i think thats just how brains get wired when stuff like thats hidden for too long. im not a therapist or anything but i heard suppression get thrown around a lot when ppl thought i wasn't listening lol

anyway i think weird moods are normal after this sort of thing, i was a huge mess when i woke up so ive got no room 2 judge. at least u didnt immediately try 2 kill someone, thats a step up right??

unless u did in which case, awkward

Here there is so much time and so little to do to fill it. There is too much time to dwell on things. Being a person is kind of shite, I think. It's too hard and a bit boring, though I'm all right with the lack of death and murder.

That is... I believe I'm not impacted because I bury things so deep. It isn't that I thought sharing wasn't possible, but that I had no reason to think it mattered. Then things became more and more...

There was more slaughter. More war. More death. And if I stopped to think about any of it I would falter, and to falter was to risk the lives of those I love.

So suppression is an accurate term for it. My Darkside is as potent as it is because of all the emotions I've suppressed over the years. It feeds off of them. Occasionally there is too much even for Esteem.

...Fortunately I didn't try to kill him, though I thought he might've been my enemy wearing his skin so it was awkward for a few moments.

I ended up getting mad at him and storming out, then got lost trying to remember where we lived and started crying lol I'm relieved it was late enough nobody saw. It was embarrassing and gross. (¯ . ¯٥)

The last time this happened to me it hadn't felt quite so horrible... Did it take you very long to 'recover'?

it can be kind of shit but it just means u need more practice imo? at least i prefer it to the alternative. like i dont think i could handle being an ordinary no-magic person, i like a lot of the perks & hate feeling weak. but i could ttly live without the whole fate/duty/doom etc. back home i cant have one w/o the other but here i can be whatever i want 2 be. i can actually ignore these gods unlike the astrals always sending me migraines like they own my head (￢_￢;)凸

maybe u should work on finding an outlet. like im the biggest hypocrite to say this but its bad 2 keep it all 2 urself, esp if it can mess with ur abilities or esteem & stuff. something to think about anyway...

omg that sounds super awkward ( ˙▿˙ ) im glad u got it sorted. my sympathies 2 ardbert. some ppl say crying it out is healthy?? at least theres that

i mean depends on what counts as 'recover'. it doesnt rly go away 100%. i try to keep things on the down-low but i still have bad days u know? like ill wake up after a rough night & i know i cant see ardyn that day bc he might notice. it took a full month b4 i could even look at him. pyra and dad help me to calm down a lot when i get lost in my own head. but sometimes i see the wrong shade of blue and its like im

[....]

god idk. brains are bad sometimes

i do better with other ppl, and it got easier bc hes not that asshole. so maybe u will have an easier time if the enemy ur worried about isn't here?

You don't need magic to be strong, even if your physical form is weak, though the sentiment is one I can understand. For our roles we are given boons to aid us, yet they are not truly given — they come at a cost.

I am glad that here you've a chance to live life as whoever you wish to be, Noct. No arsehole Astrals to muck everything up, and you've a loophole where you keep your strength at minimal cost. (*°▽°*)

I just want to go. To explore. To venture the world. It makes me feel ill to think of how trapped I am here and so I have to ignore it.

Every iteration of myself that I know of has been a traveler. Even Kiyomi. She was kept locked indoors for most of her childhood, but once she was free she never really stopped traveling. It is a soul-deep wanderlust that cannot be sated by Havenwell.

I don't know what outlets for it I could have beyond what I already do. I train, I garden, I care for the birds, I sew and cook and keep house, and I've Ardbert. But none of it is truly fulfilling.

Poor Ardbert had to chase after a wife he was upset with, only to find her getting blood and snot all over herself. I'm sure one day I'll look back at it and laugh a little, but today it still makes me feel sad and embarrassed. (｡╯︵╰｡)

'Recover' as in feeling functional, I suppose. The smallest things cause drastic shifts in my emotions I can scarcely keep up with it. I am so easily distracted. Memories keep flitting to the fore of my mind, prompted by the most innocuous little reminders.

Far too many things came to surface when I typed that. (ﾒ` ﾛ ´)

I'm glad you've people to help you. Do you have anything you can keep with you to help ground you in times when you're alone? Hades made me a ring I can spin, and I can squeeze my tail around my leg. Physical stimulation to anchor my mind.

For me it's certain sounds. Crystal cracking or shattering. It sounds like my soul when it was breaking.

PTSD is shite.

Fortunately Elidibus did a piss poor job pretending to be Ardbert. He wore him so horribly I knew right away.

I just need to look at Ardbert's face or hear him speak and I know if he's really himself, but if I become lost in my head or confused he gives me a fist bump to pull me back.

( °▽°)═ɜ ɛ═(°▽° )

Edited 2020-09-22 16:10 (UTC)

ya i get that. even i get the kinda wanderlust once in a while & i spent most of my life moving from one big fancy prison to another lol. i guess it doesnt bother me much bc it feels a lot like home. insomnia was like this, big city with walls & magic protecting it, ppl caring about daily habits and culture more than what a disaster the rest of the world was becoming. here i dont have the royal stuff to keep me busy and i miss exploring but the lack of pressure's nice

i think if we keep doing what we're doing the world's gonna open up, based on what weve seen so far. its just a lot slower than we want it to be (꒪⌓꒪)

ummm distractions... oh we fixed the coding for kings knight so u can try that? i find it rly helps when i get the urge to explore new places & kill some stuff since every level is different. its not as good as the real thing but i take what i can get. also if u ever want to throw down and train im always game. i got some project ideas for forging if u want to work on some stuff?

wtf the snot i get by why were you bleeding??

i remember u mentioned that spinner yeah. pyra gave me a bracelet that i can fiddle w/ sometimes. idk if it's the most effective but it keeps my hands busy?

it sure is shit!! i have a hard time sitting still on a good day, nevermind when im thinking about all this dumb shit. or if some1 pulls my arm a certain way, or i get jumped... ugh if i made a list of what bothers me these days itd just look pathetic. cant i just go 2 sleep until i forget it all (｀Д´) o wait sleeping sucks too! it all sucks!!

i feel like ardbert is 1 of those ppl what would b hard to imitate. like he comes across as super sincere. how do u fake that?? im glad he does that 4 u tho. it helps a lot to have even just 1 person who gets it right

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oh right 5.3 spoilers in this thread!!

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