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[Some of the tension leaves Noct's body as he listens to Ignis talk; there's no judgment for his cowardice, no lecture about neglecting his duties or even considering his own life. It's not exactly a surprise, since this is Ignis, but still... it's reassuring to hear it. So it's normal... of course, of course it's normal to not seek out his own death without regret or fear. He doesn't have to be some untouchable, infallible, or noble hero, committed only to his duty and unbothered by the price it will claim. And... someone wants to save him. Of course.

He knew, but... still. Still, to hear it means so much. If he were stronger, perhaps he wouldn't need this, but he isn't, so he does.

His arms wind around Ignis more tightly, allowing himself to be held closer.]

...It's weird, but... I kind of feel better, hearing that from you. [From Ignis, of all people.] If even you don't know, it's not so bad that I haven't figured it out yet.

[So many people have readily sacrificed for his sake already. Ignis and Gladio had been ready to do so if necessary, since they were much younger. The Kingsglaive died trying to protect him as a child. His father, Luna- they gave their lives and happiness to fuel his success. How did they manage it? How do they commit themselves to the cost, placing someone else's life over their own? He can manage one, but the other of the other... now that he's come so close, closer and in a much more frightening way than ever before...

"Many sacrificed all for the King; so must the King sacrifice himself for all."

He knows it's inevitable. He believes Ignis, believes in him, but at the same time this is a very, very old problem that no one else has been able to solve. It would be unfair to place all expectations on Ignis when he'd already given up so much. Not to mention his blindness... that, too, was an unfair sacrifice.]

Iggy... I don't want you to feel guilty, when... if it goes that way. It won't be because you didn't find anything. You know that, right?

[ It helps him to hear that his words helped out Noctis like this. When Noctis arms tighten around him, he exhales a breath, they haven't held each other like this in a long, long time. They haven't needed each other this badly in quite the while either.

Ignis is quiet for a couple of moments, letting his own feelings shine through now. ]

You're safe and alive, [ his own tone still quite rattled, but he's trying to hold back his fears. Trying to, but failing. ] It gave me quite the fright to hear that you almost died, Noct.

[ He can't see, he wishes he could see Noctis right now, but the feel of him in Ignis' arms is enough. To feel and hear his voice, to know that he's still here. Not well, but still in one piece. He recalls telling Pyra the exact same thing, while it did help him too, he still worried.

They trust each other so much, Ignis knows that he can trust Noctis with his life. If had gone with Ardyn back in Altissia, there's no doubt in his mind that Noctis would've risked life and limb just to get to Ignis. He doesn't doubt that.

Noctis' last words give him another pause. ]

I know. [ The vision he'd gotten in Altissia hadn't been kind at all, the words were harsh. It won't stop him from trying, otherwise... ]

I can't accept it, I'm sorry. [ his voice carrying more meaning here now, but still shaken. ] If I accept it, it means that I've given up and I can't, I won't...

I refuse to give up on you.

[ Going up against those gods, he's in for a long, long road and his answer might be a needle in a haystack for all he knows. But if there's a slim chance that he can save Noctis, he has to try. He won't give up, not as long as he has anything to say about it.

It kills him on the inside that Noctis has to do this, think about his fate like this. He's family and it stings Ignis to know that a valued member of his family might have to sacrifice himself like this. ]

Edited (typo :C) 2021-01-09 03:48 (UTC)

You're not the only one.

[Pyra was afraid for him- afraid he'd died, or wouldn't recover. He's pretty sure Ardyn was afraid as well, else he wouldn't have tried hard to heal him. His father isn't pleased. It isn't a surprise to hear that Ignis was frightened by what happened as well. He's always been protective, sometimes even moreso than Noct's own Shield.

His tone is apologetic, though he can't entirely regret his actions when it had resolved the issue that had been the source of Pyra's fear, the Omega Fetter's corrupted status. It's still in his armory, but it's stable now, which means she has the peace of mind to leave it there to be kept safe. He can apologize for being too reckless while still being grateful that the result benefits one he cares so much about.

The rest of what Ignis says, though... that, he might have to regret, if only for bringing it up and hurting his friend more.]

You don't have to... I wouldn't ask you to. [Asking Ignis to give up on him would be like asking him to stop being himself. It's such a huge part of who Ignis is.] I just... I don't want you to blame yourself.

[Should it come to the worst, and he has to make that sacrifice, it won't be Ignis' fault for failing to save him. It won't be because he didn't work hard enough or think of a plan or search for answers in the right place. Ignis is only human, and they're working against the plans of the gods and ghosts from thousands of years ago. It would be unreasonable to expect to be saved with everything that has ever given them power working against them.]

[ He'd heard the fear in Pyra's tone when she told him about it, she was there while it was going down, he can image her fear. He'd felt it himself when Noct's been in trouble before so he understands. And Ardyn too for what he did. Ignis knows that fear quite well.

The next words out of Noctis mean so much to him, he felt that wave of relief yet again. He'd been worried that he might be forced to accept it, but he doesn't have to. ]

That means a lot, coming from you. [ Undeniably, it helps to hear those words. He's always been the protector of the pair, but it feels like that they're protecting one another from their worst fears right now with words of reassurance.

Ignis pauses at that last comment. ] If... we get there, you'll have to remind me. [ He knows himself better than that, that he'll feel guilty about it anyway, but he'd feel much worse if he didn't try anything at all. Ignis will need the gentle reminder that it isn't his fault. ]

I'll remind you. [There's very little hesitation in his response.] I'll always remind you.

[He might have to remind himself in the process- not about passing blame, because there's not a chance in hell he'd blame anyone for not being able to save him, but about feeling resentful if he can't be saved. When the time comes he wants to be able to give his life with dignity, to go willingly and gracefully as one would expect of the Chosen King. No crying or cursing his fate- he'll walk tall, like his father expected him to.

Right now, trembling pitifully in the arms of his chamberlain and oldest friend, he's not there yet. He just knows he should prepare for the possibility, and that means not trying to pass the blame on the day it all ends.]

Last time you were here, I asked... what you'd do with your life, if you weren't with me.

[ Ignis wouldn't think Noctis pitiful for feeling the way how he does, no one should have to prepare for something like this.

Ignis finds himself starting to tremble too at those last words, he turns his face to bury himself on top of Noctis' head, letting the tear roll down his cheek. ]

I.... I don't know. [ This is all he's known, being Noctis' advisor, friend and brother. He doesn't know what he'll do without Noct in his life and it isn't something that he's prepared for in the slightest.

He exhales a shaky breath as he desperately clings to his friend now. ] Thinking of a thing like that is terrifying.

[ His tone going horribly broken as he keeps talking. ] I don't know what I'll do without my oldest friend. [ He's trying to hold on, but he's failing now, starting to fall apart. His breath hitches in his throat as a knock forms back there, not trusting himself to speak up now. Gods, he doesn't want to cry, but maybe he needs to. ]

[The answer feels more honest, and Noctis feels worse for it. He ducks his head, burying his face to Ignis' shoulder, and is quiet for a long moment, shivering in regret.]

I'm sorry. [He shouldn't have asked. He shouldn't be asking any of this. He shouldn't be asking Ignis to think about a future neither of them want to arrive.] It's okay. It'll be okay, Iggy. Whatever happens... I know you'll be fine.

[Maybe not immediately. Ignis isn't the type of person to dismiss the life of someone he's known almost 20 years, been with almost constantly for just as long, just like that. Eventually, though... he desperately wants to believe that Ignis has the strength to find a life for himself after he's gone. To find happiness, fulfillment. He's got all the potential in the world to be amazing, with or without a king to handhold through life.

This needs to stop... he can't keep drowning in fear or sorrow, he can't keep dragging people down with him like this. Somehow, he needs to overcome this.]

.... It's okay, [ finding it within himself to speak up, despite the knot that he feels in his throat. ] No need to apologize... you're just looking out for me.

[ Ignis knows that if he fails, it'll be a long, long time before he can recover from the loss. His heart wouldn't be able to take it though, not when Noctis is family to him.

Feeling Noct shiver against him only gets Ignis to re-shift his grip and squeeze his friend tighter as he, himself, starts to cry quietly. Tears leaking down his face as he trembles a bit himself, his breathing quick and short, just as Noct's hand been earlier. ]

You're family to me, [ he says quietly while he breaks apart. It hurts, gods, does it hurt.

He originally came in to check in with Noctis to see how he was doing, but it got turned into this heavy conversation and one he's glad to be having. It's, without a doubt, helping the pair. ]

[Noctis winces, feeling the wetness in his hair, and his eyes clench tightly to hold back his own grief. Surely he's cried enough for this already... he's more worried for Ignis right now.]

You won't be alone, [he mumbles, shifting his hand to brush it through Ignis' hair, in what he hopes might be soothing in the way he'd been held in the past, when they were kids.] You'll have the guys... they'll need you, too. There's so many people in the world, Iggy. Everybody's gonna love you. [He smiles weakly, his breath catching.] You're too damn capable to get anything less.

[ He listens quietly to Noctis speak, but he catches the tone in Noct's voice, his breath catching. He knows that Noct is trying to help him, but honestly, they need to do this together. ]

Noct, don't [ his own breath catching ] don't hold back.

[ Despite falling apart himself, he starts to rub a hand on Noctis' back, as if to coax the tears out of him too. Ignis knows how much this is hurting Noctis. They need to fall together so they can get back up again. ]

[Don't hold back. Noctis goes still at that, breathless for a moment. Why would he say that? Does he want to make Noctis cry? Why would he want to witness that, the slow shattering of his king, someone he's meant to believe in and build up into what destiny demands- how does it benefit anyone?

Don't hold back.]

I have to, [he whispers, his body beginning to tremble helplessly, and even as he fights it the tears burn at the corners of his eyes.] If I don't...

[He'll break. He'll break and there won't be any coming back from that, surely. It's not as if the problem's gotten worse (it has, though, there are memories swirling in his mind that don't belong to him and it makes his head hurt), it's not as if crying will fix anything (but maybe his eyes will stop aching like this), it's not like he can do anything to stop it (and Ignis' promise almost gives him hope but it might just break his heart instead). Crying isn't... it doesn't...]

I have to-

[His voice chokes on the words and his grip tightens, near enough to hurt, and there's no willpower strong enough in the world to keep him from weeping about it now. Weak, he's weak again. He's scared of death. Some king he is. Some Chosen.]

[ Once upon a time ago, they were little kids and he can't recall the first time he'd let Noctis break down on him like this. They were kids and it was over the simplest things, then the Marilith attack had happened to Noctis. He can recall many a time when his friend had needed Ignis' safety and comfort, to be shielded away from the world and the pain that it brought him.

Then there was the stress and worry over his dad dying, but it became a moot point after they left Insomnia. Lady Lunafreya's death had hit Noctis hard too, but Ignis had given him space to deal with his own grief, but Ignis himself had quite the baggage on him too. Keeping using the ring hidden, keeping the vision of Noct's fate a secret. Ignis hadn't known how to help then, other than to give Noctis space.

I have to.

No, he doesn't have to hold back, Ignis can hear the struggle in Noctis' tone not to break apart, feel his body trembling quite badly against his. Then Noctis' grip tightens around Ignis to where it's a little painful, but he can take it. He can suffer through a little bit of pain, just as long as it helps out Noctis. The tears hit his shoulder while his friend breaks down on him, the sobs breaking free.

It's all Ignis needs to break apart freely himself, the first sob breaking loose out of his own chest.

It'll be okay. Things will work out. Things that he he'll say in situations such as these, but how can he now? He can Ignis be sure that things will be okay when they're both scared to death of the future? Noctis almost died on top of that.

He doesn't say anything, but strengthen his own hold over Noctis.

---------

It takes a little bit for Ignis to calm down, his breathing returning to normal, the shaking lessening up. The tears are still dripping off his chin. His grip over Noctis turns from a desperate needing one back into his protective one. He rubs at Noctis' back and lets his own hand cradle the back of Noct's head, hoping to sooth him in a comforting way.

There's no need to be strong right now, even the strongest person would break apart over things like this. Ignis doesn't think Noctis to be weak at all, he's strong, stronger than Ignis ever will be. Ignis isn't the one facing a death sentence and he holds nothing but the biggest respect for Noctis for trying to come to terms with it. ]

[Noctis isn't too far behind him, his hiccuping breath easing off gradually into a softer sniffle, then silence. The only giveaway that he's still crying is the damp fabric of Ignis' shirt and the occasional shaken inhale. It's always been so, so hard to let himself cry- moreso with an audience, but even when he's on his own he's felt limited, like he'll be judged for any sign of weakness by hidden cameras always seeking out the prince to criticize him, or by the gods themselves, as if they'll regret their choice of savior. He'd never wanted either position, but the thought of giving it up wouldn't cross his mind. Too many people were depending on him. Luna, his dad. Their lives and sacrifices on the line to build him up and help him grow and succeed. Anyway, even if he wanted to, where would he run? It's not necessarily that he thinks that all tears show weakness, but... for him to cry, it must mean that he's not strong enough to endure the struggles laid on his shoulders, when the warriors he's grown up watching all seemed so unshakeable. He has to be as good as them, lest they deem him too weak to lead.

A coward, Gladio snapped. The protected, Cor told him. Years of criticism in the media and amidst the Citadel staff, whispers on the sidelines that he pretended to ignore: that Regis was too soft on him, that he was coddled and spoiled, that some aspect of his life was unseemly for a prince. It all came back to the same source- him, Prince Noctis of Lucis, grown up too weak to take on the nightmarish mantle of the world's savior.

Even now it's heavy, and as he draws his last tremulous breath before speaking, he's not sure if it helped or if he feels worse for it. Maybe there is some satisfaction in shedding tears long held back, but the aftermath is always hard. He slumps against Ignis, blinking quickly.]

...I'm tired...

[He's tired of so much. Not just the physical exertion of crying, or the lingering weariness of his near-death experience, but... emotionally, he's exhausted by carrying this for so long already. Gods, but he wished it was easier to forget- if he'd been pulled into this place just a little earlier, his final nightmare from home would just be the terror of wandering alone through Gralea, or the unknown of being dragged into the Crystal as Ardyn promised him war and death when he emerged again. No meeting with Bahamut, no knowledge of his future. Perhaps not even the visions of the past that the kings are now granting him against his will, sporadic and frightful.

He wishes for so, so many things. He hates that none can be granted to him, but despite all of this, he still carries the will to keep moving forward. It isn't much, but it has to be enough.]

[ Noctis is calming down, but he's still crying- feeling the wetness on his shirt and the inhales he's hearing. Ignis isn't much better, tears still rolling down his own cheeks, unable to stop them himself.

Don't be afraid to let us share the load. He'd once told Noctis, but he'd been hypercritical back then, he couldn't even share the load himself, burden down by what he did and knew. He's not alone anymore in that. With everything out in the open, they can talk about this freely even if it hurts them both. He'd been scared to speak up back then too, still processing the vision, but telling Noctis back then would've broken him. He'd been afraid of that so he kept quiet to protect his friend. It was only after the crystal snatched him that something broke inside Ignis, he regretted not speaking up. After he got here, he opened up finally.

I'm tired.

Ignis shifts when Noctis slumps against him, letting his hand move to Noctis' cheek, thumb brushing away the stray tears there.

He's exhausted, beyond it. He'd been taking care of Prompto then he found out about Noctis and his near death experience. He'd pushed himself harder to take care of the pair, despite Pyra's help. Sitting still isn't his style when two of his loved ones are bedridden like this. This talk they had, while it had helped, undeniably had hurt them as well. Ignis does wish that he hadn't gotten that vision in Altissia, if given the choice, he use the ring over and over again just to not have this knowledge.

What did I just see? A vision of what's to come? Disbelief was his first reaction then, but he hadn't time to think about it, not with Noctis' life on the line. A small part of him is glad that he has this knowledge though, it gives him a goal to work towards while his friend is stuck in the crystal for... a long time. It helps to have someone that he can talk to, even if that someone is the one that has to sacrifice himself.

Asking Noctis if he's alright isn't the right call here, they're not alright. Crying, it's a start for a healing process he hopes. It isn't good to keep those tears locked in, even he knows that. ]

You'll never be alone in this, [ the shakiness finally gone out of his tone, replaced by a comforting one. ] and never forget how strong you are, Noct.

[ He knows though, just how exhausted Noctis must be after breaking down and after everything else. He still needs to rest, but Ignis isn't up to leaving his friend's side, not after crying on each other like that. They still need the comfort of each other's embrace. ]

[How strong he is...

He doesn't feel all that strong. He feels wretched, trembling and weary to the bone, his body still rebuilding energy after being stretched far too thin and burned up from the inside out. He feels as if he could barely lift a fork right now, nevermind a sword. Everyone who's ever taught him would surely laugh to see a Lucian royal in such a state.

Ignis... isn't laughing, though. He's crying, and it is perhaps that fact that really hits home once again just how bad it almost was. This is how he'll leave them, he realizes. Worried and heartsick and weeping, holding his body, only he won't be alive to hold them back. There will be no kind words or comfort, no resolution. Will he get to say goodbye? Surely the gods will at least give him that. Will it be enough?

...Stupid. Stupid question.

Tentatively he lifts his hand to brush over Ignis' face, fingertips ghosting over the scar, wiping the tears away just as Ignis had for his own cheek. The ring did this. Left him wounded and blind, a harsh price for someone who loves to observe the world around him at all times, so smart and tactical. He could have walked away from all of them and he'd have deserved it- deserved the break, the freedom. He'd done plenty for his king and then some, no one would blame him. But even when an attempt had been made to dismiss him, he'd stayed.

And... he's not laughing. Noct's throat constricts, and it takes him a long moment to find his voice again.]

I love you, [is his tired murmur. A beat, and then,] I love... all you guys. I don't know if I'll say it by the end, back home- [If it hurts too much, if it hurts them too much, if it's too cruel to give them his affection before he snatches it away again.] I just- you should know. Should've said it more.

[It's okay to say it, Pyra had taught him. He should say it. He should tell people, before it's too late. Death could come at any time, and he should know better.]

[ Ignis isn't laughing and he never will with something as serious as this. He'll never leave Noctis' side, always loyal to his friend. Between everything that's happened, this really shook Ignis to his core.

He leans a little into Noctis' touch on his cheek then he hears those three words.

He's stunned speechless, completely floored. He knows that Noctis cares about him, he's felt it through his friend's actions. Noctis is a show, don't tell when it comes to his feelings. He suspects Pyra might have something to do with this, considering what she said to him at the wedding. Pyra described them to be best friends and family and she's not wrong in that.

A long time ago, Regis asked Ignis to stand by Noctis to be his friend and brother, but this is his choice that he's making now. This is his decision to care about Noctis the way he does. They've known each other since they were little kids, always by one another sides, how can they not care for each other?

What he's starting to realize how much he needed to hear that, he'd been okay with feeling it from Noct's actions alone and it was enough. But to hear it is leaving him feeling incredibly touched. ]

Noct... [ surprised a bit at the stray tear rolling down his cheek from how touched he feels. ] I love you, too.

You're my oldest friend and family, my brother. [ Perhaps it's time that they start reminding each other with this, telling one another just how much they care. Noctis is special to him, one of the most important person that he holds dear in his life. Ignis will hang onto this, always. ]

... Lie back with me? [ He'll stay until Noct falls back into sleep. ]

[Noctis merely nods, silent but still pressed close enough that Ignis can feel the gesture. He's quietly grateful Ignis doesn't verbally make a big deal out of it, though he can tell by the man's expression that he's stunned and has to look away from it, feeling ashamed. He hadn't expected Ignis to call it out or anything, but the fact that it's such a shock is just another reminder that he's not made it clear enough, or vocal enough before today. He can't even promise that he'll do better going forward. Still... it's a first step. He said it, and he meant it, and now it's out there. He can't feel too badly about that, and if anything it's a tiny weight off of his shoulders.

At Ignis' request he nods, too tired to argue even if he wanted to, and shifts away to lie back on the bed, shuffling over enough to give Ignis space. He doesn't mind the company. It's a comfort when he's weary and heartsick, and it isn't as if they haven't shared beds before, both when they were children and in hotel rooms on the road with only a couple of beds for four people. Ignis lying beside him is a familiar presence, and with one more soft, shaken exhale, he clutches his fingers around Ignis' hand and closes his eyes, allowing himself to begin drifting. Even with the threat of dark dreams chasing him to unconsciousness, it won't take long for him to fall asleep.]

[ This is, by far, one of the most important talks that they've had and they've broke down together. It's a start to get them to heal and with the heartfelt confessions coming out of them, it's another start, a reminder just how they care for one another.

Noctis pulls away and Ignis moves with him, feeling his way on the bed as he settles down next to Noctis. He twinges their fingers together, listening quietly as Noctis drifts off into sleep. Ignis still needs to check up on Prompto, but he can afford a light nap here, after everything that's transpired between the pair...

He shifts a bit again, carefully getting his body to press up against Noctis', shoulder to shoulder, wanting to be close. They're not strangers to this, sharing tents and hotel rooms, and they were kids. Sharing a bed isn't anything new, it's familiar and a comfort to Ignis.

It doesn't take him long to fall into a light doze here, slipping into a light sleep. ]

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