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[ It still comes as a surprise to her when she sees Umbra. She suspects it won't ever stop being a surprise to her.

It takes a day before she dares to respond; handwriting a bit less pristine but no less legible, on a piece of parchment with fancy gold embellishments on the borders. ]

Noctis,

You're welcome, for the fireflies.

To you they are memories older than I am, but to me they are only a year old. It makes some sense that I would recall them more clearly, though I look forward to the day I cannot remember those memories I have no rights to.

Is that how it works? I have only been treated by a medical doctor when I have fallen in battle, and each time was a different chirurgeon. Therapy for the mind does not truly exist in my world. It is why those shell-shocked warriors and soldiers so often fall victim to drugs and alcohol.

Though in eras past there was a technique used by the Seers in Bozja, where with the aid of a crystal focus they could enter a patient's psyche and unblock old memories, or even alter them. An ally and I used this technique to help my friend with his consent. We unblocked an old memory of his... I think it has helped him to heal, though it was painful for him.

I believe my tutor is helping because he wants to help, just not because he wants to help me. That helping me is fulfilling a need for him, in some way. I am trying to do my best to accommodate that while also learning, but it is difficult. He keeps saying things to me that make me loathe myself, which I know is not his intent. I think I deserve it though, for all the things I have done and will do, so I try not to mind it.

I didn't truly expect to matter enough to cause you harm in that way, which I know is also unfair to you. I hurt you, and that is unforgivable. I cannot see myself ever being ready for forgiveness.

It isn't weird. You are a person who would find reasons why you deserved to be hurt, not reasons why you did not. I cannot promise I won't hurt you again by mistake, however I can promise you I will not make the same mistake twice. Is that reasonable?

I think the issue is that I have learned what I want, but cannot allow myself to want it. Instead I will focus on what I have, and be grateful for it instead of wanting more.

[The next message doesn't take as long. It's a bit messy as a result, but without apology.

Also, Umbra is carrying a little tupperware container on a string in his mouth, inside which she'll find a couple of purple-blue plums.]

I'm no expert on therapy. I know it takes a long time to qualify to call yourself one, like becoming an actual doctor. Hell, maybe longer. Healing minds is more complicated than bodies.

If he's making you loathe yourself then he's not helping. That's not how it's supposed to work. It's OK to realize you did wrong and just try to do better, you don't have to hate yourself for it. Remember how that was kind of half the argument? Whether or not you deserved what you got. There's a lot of layers to unpack on that one.

I don't think hurting someone is unforgivable, either. It's not just one or the other- that stuff's complicated too. Some things are unforgivable. What happened wasn't one of them. Do you think you're the only person who's ever hurt me? I've had worse. I've done worse. Hurting people is normal. What's supposed to matter more is what you do after.

You can want more, too. I've never met a single person who was 100% satisfied with their life. No one's that noble, and anyone who says they are is bullshitting you. It's good to want more. Just don't get overwhelmed by it. That's a lot harder than pretending you don't want anything, if you ask me.

BTW the plums are Doman, see if Hythlo or Peki like the taste. Chocobos love them in Eos, and my replicator's mocking me with them now. (I only sent two because too many make them change colour, so I didn't want you to find a weird surprise in the morning.)

[ She doesn't take too long to respond in kind, and a corner of the paper has been punctured by Hythlo's curious, demanding maw and stained with plum juice. ]

That is why he is a therapy 'tutor'. He just is good at pointing out my flaws. I think it's because he believes I don't take the blame for my actions. My problem is the opposite though. His aid is still useful. Even if it upsets me he offers different perspective.

These things are supposed to make things worse before they get better, aren't they? He isn't making me feel anything new. Esteem is made up of the things I don't let myself feel, and they love me above all else. They are aggravated by all of this, but they are always aggravated because [ The writing changes, soft curves turning sharper; a subtle, but noticable shift, especially with the ink splots and smears as though her hand has been forcibly moved: ] you are still a good person, no matter what you have done. They dislike it when I'm treated unfairly. They are trying to let me figure things out on my own, but like to remind me they're willing to take my place if needed. I will.

They won't, because I won't allow it. They're mostly just talk these days.

What I did to you is something unforgivable to me. I don't think it's beyond forgiveness. Stop wasting paper.

I am tired of hurting people, but it is what I was made for. To safeguard lives I need to end others. I am just so tired of killing. I wish the war would end.

The things I truly want cannot be found in this world, and so I must learn to be satisfied with what I can have.

Thank-you for the fruit. Peki is actually very fond of Doman plums! I learned to keep Han lemons handy after I woke one day to his apple green plumage. The plums lighten the red hues, if I recall correctly.

How did you come by them? Is there a Doma on Eos?

Hythlo thanks you for the treat.

[Replies are getting a little quicker. Not like before, but still.]

Just be careful. Recovery doesn't have to be cruel.

Esteem is supposed to be a good thing, you know. Good qualities. "Self-esteem". Maybe don't write off everything they say. I get it, you're not there yet. Just put a pin in it, you can always let yourself feel it later. I know I don't really get how it all works, it's just my opinion that they're not totally off the mark.

Anyway, forgiveness isn't all up to you. You can decide whether or not to forgive yourself, but you can't stop anyone else from deciding for themselves.

I don't know where Doma might be in Eos. Could be a place I've never been, or one that doesn't exist anymore. We got the plums from a chocobo farmer in Lucis, for a favour. They turned Captain blue.

It isn't cruel. It is just reaffirming things I already knew, and informing me of behaviours I was not aware of. He is a sack of shite. No, he's just an asshole. I think that makes him more qualified to tell me when I am being rude.

She just laughed at you. I laughed at the thought of Esteem being made of 'good qualities.' They are the one who went on a bloody rampage on my behalf, then tried to kill me and take my place as a means to protect me. Someone had to consider her best interests. I like to believe being dead is not in my best interest. She likes to tell herself she believes that.

Doma is one of the nations I helped liberate from the empire. It is located to the Far East, in the region of Yanxia on the continent of Othard. It is a beautiful place.

Kiyomi's biological father was from a small village in Yanxia. His name was Nobuyuki. He had freckles like me.

Is he the one who called you a selfish stuck up bitch?

I mean, you ended up as allies. I've gotten good advice from people who once tried to kill me, too. Just because they're violent doesn't mean they're always wrong. (Sometimes you gotta do the bloody rampage thing, I get it.)

Can we just establish how weird this is, though? Seriously. At least use a different coloured pen.

Doma's definitely not a nation in present day. If I were gonna guess, I'd say it was a region outside of Lucis. Tenebrae, maybe, or something older. If they were naturally grown in Lucis we'd probably have more blue chocobos.

Whatever he has called me are deserved and valid criticisms that prompted necessary self-reflection. Hades was fucking pissed when he read it. She couldn't manipulate herself out of a paper bag if she tried. That is not true.

I wouldn't call Esteem my 'ally'. They are— She just hates that I'm right. And sometimes bloody rampages are necessary. I highly recommend them. They are my Darkside, and clearly very bored.

I am using a quill and ink. It is one of Seto's feathers, but Hythlo thinks it's one of his and so is very happy watching me write with it. It is cute. I'm not going to make him sad by using a different quill. He's doing those happy wiggles. Or Esteem could just leave me to write in peace. I am trying not to think about how disconcerting this is.

They have only ever written in my journal before, and only while I slept. I thought I'd lost my mind. She says that as though any of this is at all sane.

Technically this is just the result of my magic, and has no bearing on my sanity.

So that's a yes. And that's shitty. If you won't listen to Esteem at least listen to Hades.

Like- on one hand, people who care about and like you are gonna be biased. Therapy's supposed to be someone uninvolved. But avoiding that from the other side is important too... if he doesn't like you he's biased from the opposite direction. If you get conflicting feedback that's just going to fuck you up more.

People can act manipulative without meaning to. What else would you call doing what you did, hurting me to try and force me to not care about you anymore? Like I guess you can get all semantic with it and find another word, but you were trying to change what I did by what you said. And it kind of worked. That's manipulative.

I'm not saying this to point fingers, but I said it without calling you a bitch, so?? And I'm not even a professional. There's a better way to call you out, that's all I mean about being careful.

"It's okay to ask not to be hurt." It's good advice. Use it for yourself and tell whoever's trying to help you to be less shitty, or find someone who isn't an asshole.

It was a valid criticism. And I cannot blame him if he truly dislikes me when I don't like me, either.

He knew another Au Ra before me. She was Xaelan, not Raen, but she was a Warrior of Light. I can't help but wonder if he compares me to her and finds me lacking, leaving him resentful that I am not her. It is a possibility.

During our first meeting he commented on my race, comparing my appearance to hers. It made me uncomfortable, though I know it was not his intention. He couldn't have known that being an Au Ra in Eorzea was a dangerous thing not so long ago. It still is in some ways. Exotic things have always sold for more on the markets. I don't blame him for not knowing.

Other people have had it worse than me, so I shouldn't dwell on that part of my past, and focus more on being considerate of others. It is irrelevant now besides, as I don't need to worry about such things anymore.

My understanding was that manipulation is to conciously and intentionally mislead someone. I wonder if there is a separate word for unintentional manipulation.

I don't remember what I was thinking when I hurt you. I just remember feeling so panicked I forgot how to breathe. I was confused, and needed you to go away. Of course this is no excuse. The outcome was the same regardless if I was clearheaded or not.

Thank you for your explanation. I have only been give one example of my manipulative behaviour thus far, though it was one I've yet to understand. I was just behaving as I had been before the conversation. I think because I did not adjust my location for a video conversation that it may have become performative, to elicit sympathy? I am still not certain, so I will work on gaining better awareness of my behaviour. What you have told me will help in my efforts.

He is just trying to keep himself safe from my abuse. Again, I cannot blame him for it. I don't mind being hurt sometimes if it is ultimately of benefit. And I am learning, so ultimately whatever happens is of benefit.

A dear comrade from my home arrived recently. His name is Gaius. He is as tall as Gladio, and is in his fifties. Tan skin, greying brown hair, and bandages covering his left arm.

He was indoctrinated by the empire and has only recently defected from it. He only wants the best for others, and has a habit of taking in children in need of a guardian.

In retrospect his personality reminds me a great deal of Cor.

I think he and your father would be good friends for each other. She means that in a strictly platonic way. [ There is a small scribble of despair here as Era realizes why Esteem would clarify that, and has the brief and unfortunate mental image of Gaius van Baelsar indulging in anything the least bit non-platonic. ]

Yes 100% platonic ew gross gross

~~I can't~~
~~That isn't what~~
~~I wish you'd stop~~
~~I'm tired of~~

[....

The top half of the next message sent has been torn away, leaving a much shorter response than it might have originally been.]

I don't like it. It's up to you, and if it helps you in the end maybe to you it'll be worth it. But I don't like it. ~~I don't want~~ That's all.

It's cool that you have someone else from home. -5000 points to Esteem for the commentary though. Didn't know your darkside was so horny. If that ends up the first thing I say to the guy if/when we meet I'm blaming you.

[ She makes no comment about the torn page, though it makes her curious, and wonder if she's said something wrong. ]

I am not fond of it either, but I need to try.

I am not facing it all on my own. Hades is my 'person'. He reads the conversations I share with him, and offers his input. I am in a position of vulnerability, so he has taken on the duty of keeping me safe how he can while Ardbert supports me in other ways. We are a team.

We are aware of Cor's relationship with your father. Esteem could have said it for clarification that the intent is not to matchmake, but most likely they just wanted to mess with me as distraction.

Gaius is currently grieving three of his children. Milisandia was 20, Ricon was 16, and Rex was 17. They were sweet children, and I am the one to have killed them.

I haven't told Hades or Ardbert yet, though I know Hades is aware of it. I mentioned it offhandedly in one of my 'therapy' conversations and have not addressed it since.

I am trying not to think about it too much. I suspect it's why Esteem is more active these days.

Edited (redundancy) 2021-03-18 05:28 (UTC)

[The message starts with a rough sketch of a cactaur with an exaggerated thumbs-up at the end of one arm, and thumbs-down on the other, and that's all he'll say on the therapy matter. It's not a good topic for him right now.]

Tell Esteem to stop messing with me by association because I'm feeling the gross factor and noooo thank you. I want Dad to be happy but not details, whether they're legit or not...

That sucks. I'm guessing it was because they were part of the empire. Is he okay with you?

[ In response to the cactuar Era tries her hand at drawing a moogle. She quickly shifts into translating its form into geometric shapes, giving it a uniquely stylized look that isn't half-bad, but is a far cry from a drawing. ]

Esteem is laughing at you.

They were trying to kill me in order to bring their father back to them. They all but killed themselves trying to destroy me. I wanted so badly to save them.

I have only lived through the battles with Milisandia and Ricon so far. He is from my future, just after losing Rex. Apparently we rescue Allie, so the only one left now is Alfonse.

Gaius doesn't blame me. I know he must blame himself.

It was Garlemald's fault, not ours, but it does not erase the guilt.

[He sends back a doodle of the long-limbed moogle doll that Iris had given him, looking aggro and holding a sword with the caption "fight me!" in the corner of the page. Beside it, there's a scribbled cloud with "esteem??" and an arrow pointing to it.]

People have to own their choices in the end. Even kids. That can't all be on you. At least you tried, which is more than a lot of enemies would have done.

Hopefully you two can help each other with that.

[ She sends back the letter along with her own, because Esteem is keen on retorting to that drawing. They make the sword bigger, then scribble a note beside their name: Is that a likeness or a challenge? ]

My friend and mentor in the art of the dark knight, Sidurgu, and I received training from moogles. Sid loathed them so much.

I had a vision after Milisandia died. I don't know whose it was, as I didn't embody any of them.

In their room, sitting together on their beds, the siblings got to know each other. Milisandia was the eldest of Rex and Ricon, and their parents died in an epidemic. Gaius found them begging on street corners and took them in.

He found Alfonse and Allie later, on the roadside in Werlyt. Gaius took them in, too.

They wanted to make him proud. Milisandia suggested that because he fights for the Empire that they should, too.

Ricon was unsure. He didn't want to be like the Garleans the people of Werlyt were so afraid of.

"Lord Gaius is different. I know he is," said Alfonse.

Rex agreed. Gaius was always saying the strong should lead the weak. This was true even when I met him. I remember Rex was excited about this plan. "Maybe one day people'll look up to us like we do Lord Gaius," he said, barely able to sit still.

"Then it's settled," Alfonse declared. "From now on, we're all brothers and sisters fighting for the same cause."

Allie spoke up then, asking if all of them being brothers and sisters meant that Gaius was their father.

In the end they decided that it did, so long as Gaius didn't mind.

I haven't told him of this memory. They were just children, wanting to make him proud as thanks for his kindness, and in the end they died horrific deaths.

It isn't fair.

When
I had
When
The [ There are a few false starts entirely blotted out, along with some dots where she left her quill to ink for too long in thought.

She decides to continue. ]

When he learned the deceased pilot was Milisandia, I was struck by another flash of memory.

She was still barely ten summers, her tiny hand held in mine (his), smiling up at me (him) like I (he) hung the stars in the sky. Like I (he) was the greatest thing in the world, and could do no wrong.

It hurts.

I have no memory of her as an adult. The Milisandia I remember has only ever been ten.

Sorry for dumping this on you, Noct. I just needed to get it out of my head. I think you understand that better than most.

I am not sure what to do, but I will figure it out.

[Another delay in response, this one. He has to debate what to say for a while.

The doodle is attached separately this time with the original letter alongside it. The mystery cloud now has smoke rising up out of it (or "steam" if you will) and is wielding a twig. The text "depends on how brave you're feeling" has also been added.

The attached letter is less neatly written.]

It's cliche to say it, but war isn't any more fair than life is. Most kids want to do whatever they can to make their parents proud of them. It's on the parents to protect them, though, and kids like that are too young to be fighting their parents' wars. You're probably right that he feels guilty.

I do get it, though. Wish I didn't. And I don't know if I can offer much help with it, but I'll hear you out if/when you need it. This stuff's messy. Ardyn might have better advice for dealing with it, but it depends on what you feel like talking about.

All of it is Hades' fault.

He was the founding father of the Garlean Empire. He has done so many unspeakable things, tempered as he is to Zodiark's will.

I have an idea to undo his bindings, but it would put my soul at risk again. I am stubborn enough that I think I would succeed...

I don't really want to talk about it. I don't want these memories in my head anymore. They aren't mine to keep, nor speak of.

I just needed to get them out somehow, if only for a moment.

Thank you.

If he's old enough to be a parent, he's old enough to be accountable for what he did. It's like blaming Somnus for everything the rest of the kings did. After a certain point we all made our own choices.

Hope you can get your memories sorted, too. I don't know if there's a way to get rid of them, and I'm not mad that you've got mine, but I wouldn't hate it if you forgot, either.

Just be careful with your own soul, you've only got the one. (And I know you've got the whole x number of souls in your history or whatever but even still, yours is yours.)

[ For the first time in a while her response takes longer than a day. ]

After Zodiark, Hades' choices were not truly his own. He has some agency, but there is only so far he can pull against his bindings.

How do your potions work? Is the healing instant, and can they be used in rapid succession?

My plan is sound, but I will only have under five minutes to accomplish it.

Also I am no longer doing the therapy thing.

I don't just mean Hades.

They're pretty instant, yeah. Might take a second or two depending on how quick you can break the seal, but you can use one after another. Usually the only limit is the number we can create and carry, since it takes magic to make them.

Is that a "it didn't work out with the guy who called me a stuck-up bitch" or "therapy is bad and/or not working and I give up"? Because those are very different things.

I know.

Would I be able to shove healing aether into one to boost its efficacy?

The latter.

Hades went and spoke to him about certain things. Apparently this caused him to hurt himself. His roommate contacted me and told me to control my 'attack dogs'.

I didn't know what his roommate was talking about. It was very confusing.

They have the impression that Hades went over to 'start something', but Hades is not that type of person. He is lazy, and doesn't like to get his hands dirty. He would rather be napping.

I apologized to my therapy tutor, and told him I would not initiate contact with him again. So that is that.

I am feeling okay though. I got to break things for ages and then had spa time with my bff.

I hope you're doing well, and have had the opportunity to kill many vegetable bugs.

I don't think it works like that. They could work alongside, but not together. But we could mess around with spell flasks to make attack + heal combo spells, if that would work better for whatever you're doing.

I think everyone sucks at communication in this. From start till now it's all been bad. Whatever though, I don't think it was a good fit based on what little you said about it. You should find someone who doesn't insult you.

I've fought some stuff, yeah. Felt good. And I guess you could say I got my own kind of therapy in, so. Progress.

I need enough healing in a very short amount of time to bring my body from the brink of death to stable.

I might be able to translate my more powerful healing spells into runes that can be activated with a touch of magic. Perhaps that in conjunction with a few powerful potions may work?

Aside from an intense amount of healing over a short period of time, I will need help when Hades' soul lashes out in defense. I suspect he'll aim to kill me in desperation and Tempered rage, and he would seek to destroy anyone in his way.

I will need people who can help shield the vulnerable and draw his ire, as well as those who can weaken him with powerful attacks.

In his 'monster form' he is a formidable opponent. The marks on my back are from the very tips of his claws. I will need people I know can keep themselves safe.

I have always been bad at communication, so that doesn't surprise me. I'm surprised Hades spoke to him at all. It's still baffling to me... Very wtf.

I think I will work on things on my own again for a while. Now that my 'breakdown' is over and I have helpful literature I should do better.

I would not mind sparring with you sometime, if you were amenable to it. I have proper weaponry now, and some armour.

I'm glad you're doing better.

I can get you an elixir or two instead. They're ideal for bad emergencies. Dad would be good for shielding, I can help with attacking if you need support there. I don't really understand what's going on, but if it's dangerous, obviously we'll help.

I kinda get what he might've been trying to do. Even if it didn't work out or it pissed you off- I get it. As for the therapy thing... do whatever you gotta, I guess. For you. Just be careful. Therapists exist because people can't just fix this stuff themselves.

We can spar sometime if you want, sure.

And thanks, I'm glad too.

Do elixirs work if they are poured into an open wound, or do they need to be orally ingested?

I am going to disconnect my soul from my body by triggering Living Dead, then I shall engage in a battle of wills with Zodiark.

I will defeat Him, because Hades is mine and I am stubborn. But it will be very dangerous and there will be many injuries.

Hades cannot know of this. His tempering will force him to stop me at all costs.

I will see if Hades will make small models of his 'boss forms' for me, so I can show you. They are hard to explain, but very [ there is a super duper blotted out word ] cool.

If I had emojis I would say they were eyes emoji. But I would use 2 eyes emojis because he had that many eyes.

And he had 4 arms and two giant wings when he abandoned his mortal flesh. The only stupid thing was his weapon, but that is forgiveable.

Once I acquire models I can arrange a meeting to detail for you — and any other trusted comrades — his abilities and combat style. He will not be as formidable here with no Lifestream to draw upon and his aether reserved lessened, but he is easily still more powerful than a god.

I do not want anyone to assist without them being fully aware of the possible risks.

It didn't work because he does not know me, or understand the way that I phrase and interpret things. I know my mind works differently, even disregarding my illness.

Am I too polite/formal and stiff? It was how I learned to speak with others, and not dissimilar to how my family at home speaks. I always thought it was respectful. It was what I was taught.

It's easier for me to follow the 'rules' of respectful address, until I know someone better and can match my speech to theirs. Like when we text and I'm comfortable.

I don't think I want to stop speaking more 'old fashioned' (no one here has called it that — this has been my observation). It is a small piece of my home I can carry with me.

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March 19th!

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