carbungle | IC Contact

Hello!

If you're reading this I have been incapacitated for two days, with a coma as the most likely of culprits.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Shite ✧ ･ : *

If you could check in on my poor dear husband I would appreciate it a great deal.

I've left him food and water so he should not spontaneously expire, but he needs his daily exercise and socialization. ｡*:☆(・ω・人・ω・)

You needn't worry about me, as it's just a bit of coma. I'll probably be fine!

Thank you ♡

[........

era what the fuck]

((dumping it here instead of a new thread for organization's sake))

Comas are bullshite.

hell yeah they are

u ok? u dont have to get into detail if u dont want but like

ive yet to see some1 wake up from one of these like "oh man i had a gr8 time back home im so happy and refreshed"

The two sun deities I know of in my world were my past incarnations.

........wtf

how many ppl have you been in your past???

Likely more than a handful over the past 14,000 years.

In my first life I held the Fourteenth seat in the Convocation of Fourteen. Hades was Emet-Selch, the Architect. I was Azem, the Traveler.

always fourteen lol u weren't kidding

so u guys were connected that way too? no wonder

They had been best friends for centuries. They loved each other but never had opportunity to act upon it. What I felt and feel for him was inevitable.

I had told him that even if Hemera's soul was made whole again I would never be her, but I think I was wrong. I have always been her.

are you ok with that? i mean

do you WANT to be her, bc like. its bad if u feel like u have to force yourself. whatever u were in the past u can be ur own person now

if the universe keeps trying to hammer it in u can tell it to f off

[ That question gives her long pause. ]

I'm not sure.

I am all right with being Azem. It is a title Hemera earned all that time ago, and now it is a title restored to me.

Azem, the Traveler. Shepherd to the stars in the dark.

It suits. I like it more than the Warrior of Light and Darkness.

The first adventurer, roaming the world to learn of it and its people, offering aid wherever they could. Azem was meant to inform the Convocation of incidences their influence may be required.

Hemera had a tendency of solving problems all her own with the friends she made during her travels. Her signature spell was even one that summoned seven comrades to her side in times of need.

She was not afraid of going against the status quo in a society structured in a way where the norm was conformity in all ways save pursuits of knowledge or Creation. And yet she was still so trusted by the people that she was chosen to help guide and protect them.

I think...

I was and am Hemera just as I was and am Kiyomi, even if I cannot remember. It does not change who I am because this is who I always was, irregardless of memories. I have always held the desire to aid others, to protect them, to explore and learn new things; a wanderlust that can never be sated.

I have not spoken of this to Ardbert yet. I am not sure he will understand... He is and was a piece of Hemera, but he was never her.

Each Shard is akin to a clipping from a tree that grows into a plant all its own—they are of that tree but you cannot say they are that tree. The Source is the tree from whence those clippings came.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure.

It is confusing.

I learned of Hemera before in this world thanks to Hades, but he never shared overmuch. He never told me my seat. My duties. He saw her in me but never saw me as her...

At home he and I were enemies, yet weren't. He never told me I was his friend in that time before time — not on his own. He did it through his Creations.

He made me a crystal, filled with his recollections of Azem. A chronicle. A message. A final gift that saved me when I faced the last of the Unsundered.

“Herein I commit the chronicle of the traveler. Shepherd to the stars in the dark.

Though the world be sundered and our souls set adrift, where you walk, my dearest friend, fate shall surely follow.

For yours is the Fourteenth seat — the seat of Azem.”

He is dead. His soul is adrift, and yet...

When I had no hope of saving myself I called upon my crystal in desperation and he came to my aid.

There is so much of him within it, Noct. It was made with such love and hope, filled with stories and magic. Filled with so much of Hades, not what he became.

I'm rambling on and on. Apologies.

Memories are still awhirl in my mind, trying to settle into place. There is so much even though it had only been a few short moons.

My family has returned home safely. No one I love was lost. I should be happy.

But there are so many other things. I am so sad, Noct. I keep crying. I hate it. I don't want to feel these things. I never wanted this. I never wanted it to end this way, but I had no choice. I had to kill him, and in the end I know it was a mercy. He would have been alone for all eternity.

He was my greatest enemy save for Zodiark Himself. He was Zodiark's heart.

He was a boy. Just a boy. Even after so many millennia.

A boy Primal who knew only duty, and wanted nothing more than to be reunited with the family he lost.

I hate killing. I have always hated killing despite so often having to. I've ended countless lives, but never a child. Not like that.

My soul mourns Elidibus and I cannot tell Ardbert. Not yet. He would not understand.

Elidibus was like a younger brother to her. A little brother that she failed to save.

I cannot
I can't imagine it. If you or Alphinaud were to suffer that fate.

I know your fate will be unkind but

It will still be better than that.

[.............]

dude

[Okay but for real he needs a bit to read and process all of that, of which there is a lot.]

it is def confusing thats for sure. but talking helps hash stuff out rite? so whatever u need to say, i can at least listen even if i dont get it lol

i guess youre kind of getting those memory gaps filled in, just not in the way you'd expect? like u dont remember your early years but it turns out u have like 14K worth of "early years" to remember, or not remember, depending on how it goes

like if its u but not u its kinda like.......god idk

when i was little one of my favourite things was when dad had time to sit with me at night & tell me a bedtime story. hed read fantasy books and old lore and stories about our family but i liked it best when he told me stories about what he did when he was younger. his adventures and stuff

calling it our "legacy" sounds fancier than it deserves but it was kinda that. my dads legacy. since we have that history i could imagine myself going on those kinds of adventures, being a hero and fighting monsters to help lucis

so maybe its kind of like that? u have those adventures in ur head now & even if u didnt physically do it, its your personal legacy or w/e. now if u hear stories about azem or hemera u can imagine urself doing them even if the actual memory isnt there, or. idk what im trying to say here, i guess just that you can take what you want to from the memories, & ignore what doesnt feel right. bc the you of the past doesnt have to be the same you of now.

man saying it like that makes it feel like the reverse of trying 2 talk 2 ardyn about the future stuff, geez

i cant speak on the hades stuff rly, thats way out of my league. i dont think i get it- is elidibus also hades?? or someone else? u lost me, every1 has like twelve names

or 14 names

....ok ignore that it was funnier in my head

i wont tell ardbert tho.

That's true. Thank you, Noct. Typing things out has helped me begin to grasp it.

I saw it like that before. Legacies left behind. Stories. Era was a seed of Hemera's soul, as was Ardbert, and the rest of the twelve. We were her legacy.

But now I realize I am what is left of Hemera, not what was borne of her soul. I am Hemera with eight fragments of my soul pieced back together. Fragments of soul that no longer belonged to Hemera, but the people that grew from them. Sometimes I wonder what they were like.

My mind is free of Hemera's memories, but my soul is filled with them. Locked away; silent and still. They stir sometimes when prompted. Like... déjà vu? Vague and unclear. More impressions than true memory.

I am a little bit afraid that the Crystal of Azem will make them more real. Who I am now is Era—Hemera after so many millennia of death and rebirth, adapted for life in the new world, not the old.

Apologies, I've rambled more. I believe the "TL;DR" is that I agree with you. I am me even if I am also her. It is my choice how much I allow the past to define the future I live for.

Hades was Emet-Selch, the Architect.

Elidibus was another of the Convocation.

He was the Emissary, and was sacrificed to become the 'heart' of Zodiark in His summoning. Even if Amaurot and the lost souls were restored to what they once were, Elidibus would be enslaved for all eternity. An empty shell; a puppet.

He gave himself willingly because he loved us so deeply. We were his people. His family. His friends...

“Stay strong. Keep the faith. At duty's end, we will meet again. We will. We will.

The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.”

It still hurts. I can still hear his voice, and see his kneeling, crying form. He was so small. Young. The voice of a man but the cadence of a boy.

The way he said those final words

Grief. Sorrow. Confusion.

As though he was startled to find himself alone in the end.

Anyone who dares tell me that was a victory can fuck off.

It was a necessity. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much I cannot stand it. All this killing. It never ends.

if u keep getting memories and stuff maybe u will eventually know more about the other fragments & stuff. and every time u can still decide what 2 keep and what belongs in the past

like it sounds rly messy so i cant imagine any of it would be easy but like... i think u can do it. dont be scared, if u need help we're here 4 u

re: elidibus um obv i can only speak thru my own experience but ive had some time to kinda work through wtf i feel about the whole... sacrifice thing. and i dunno how ill feel at the end, im not there yet. but fate like that sucks, its never gonna feel good, & youre right, its not a victory. i dont think that kind of thing is meant to be? not to the people who experience it. its too personal. like when the sun rises again on eos i dont see the guys throwing a parade or anything

i will say um

if he felt anything like i feel, about dying 4 the ppl he loved & making the world a better place, then it must have been worth it. u helped him get there, so he probably was grateful 2 u to some extent

and if u were there, then he wasn't alone, right? even if some1 i love was

[......]

even if i died bc some1 i love kills me, thats better than dying alone

right?

Mayhap one day I will have glimpses of those lost worlds in dream or vision. There is no one left in existence who remembers those worlds and their histories. I would like everyone to remember — to know they once lived, too.

I don't think I will though. All who live on the Source are the same. Every soul has been Rejoined seven times at least and there is no confusion stemming from that. The only difference is that I know who I was before, thanks to her dearest friend.

Thank you.

[ The rest of her message comes a while later, after she's had time to calm down and think of how best to explain. ]

You sacrifice yourself to bring back the dawn and while it works for a time, the Scourge returns with a vengeance, turning everyone into daemons.

You are revived by the desperate, anguished prayers of your people's souls. You cannot remember aught but your love for them and that you must do all you can to save them. To bring the dawn back once more and restore your people.

You begin culling all the daemons because it will bring everything back to the way it was. These malformed creatures are mockeries of your loved one. They are beastly; violent and cruel. You feel nothing but satisfaction in killing them, knowing that your loved ones will be revived by it in the end.

Then you come across one that fights back and, unlike the rest, this one is strong enough to kill you. It claims the world for its kind.

You die alone, because there is naught around you but daemons. You die alone, and all of humanity's hope dies with you.

You die alone, knowing that you failed them all.

That is more akin to how Elidibus felt.

[.....]

i dont know what to say to that. im sorry, it sounds horrible.

i hope hes at least able to rest & not suffer anymore, i guess.

I believe Hades had planned for this possible outcome, and made the crystal of Azem to aid me in the inevitable battle. His spirit helped me... And so I believe that Elidibus is with his brothers now.

I'm sorry for burdening you. I'm not ready to share the weight of this with Ardbert just yet, but it has been so heavy.

its ok. i cant understand it the way he probably could, but i dont mind listening if it helps u

do u have that crystal here then?

If you could understand the way Ardbert would I don't think I'd've told you. It makes it easier.

I do. I think I may make a pendant of it.

even though youre afraid of what it might do?

I am not afraid of it.

What stories it contains would only be of Hemera as Azem. I know naught of how long she held her seat but it was likely a mere handful of centuries at most, and Hades would not have known all of her adventures.

Crystals such as these tend to bestow information only when one's mind and soul are ready, so there is no risk of being overwhelmed.

I suppose I am simply... wary of it, in my current emotional state.

i get that

if u want to give urself some time just in case, u have options for some1 to hide it 4 u

I could never bear part with it, but thank you all the same.

I trust his spirit to keep me safe. And when it deigns to bestow a story upon me I shall share it with you, if you wish.

fine by me. doors always open if u change ur mind

only if u want to & are cool w/ it. i dont mind either way

:U auto-text

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late Saturday (09/19)

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oh right 5.3 spoilers in this thread!!

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