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[ She sees his point. It would be like casting a line into the deepest part of the ocean looking for one thing; he would loose the hook, the line, and the rod itself, and risk being pulling into the maelstrom.

"--what if I get too much? What if I can't stop it?" ]

How much is there? Of those memories. [ Not long ago, she had guessed aloud that it had been as if he received memories of those who came before. But perhaps-- or so she hopes-- she is wrong. Perhaps there is a limit?

A better question is how he might even know, if he's only been experiencing a trickle of them, but she wonders if he has some sort of feeling to its depths (or lack thereof). ]

[He purses his lips at that, his fingers tightening subtly around hers.]

I don't know. [The truth.] A lot. [The fear.

He ducks his head, his voice quieter as he continues.]

I don't know how to describe it except that it's... heavy. Like I'm just feeling the cracks in some huge wall, and if I just pull out the wrong brick the whole thing'll come down on me- not just a few bad memories but a lot of everything. You ever think about something and all you can feel is alarm bells going off in your head, that maybe it's a bad idea to go deeper?

[ At feeling his hand tighten upon hers, her fingers quickly interlace with his, securing their hold. She lets him speak, and the tension within both his touch and his tone is obvious. His metaphor strikes true; blindly pulling at one memory and the next, he means that it's only a matter of time before he's swallowed by it all.

She responds, ]

I can.

[ Digging deeper into who she is, the depths of her own memories-- before she had been herself (or they had been, as they are more than just two, a triumvirate unknown, and more--) is frightening. She feels as if she could lose herself-- or, no. Not quite. For her, it's different. She feels as if she were to lose herself, she would become who she is supposed to be. Just a crystal, just a third of the Trinity, who ought to be whole. The fear, she supposes, comes from the human part of her mourning the potential loss of a human self-- even when she can guess that if she is to fully return to not being human, there would be no mourning.

It hurts her head, but this isn't about her. ]

I know what you're feeling.

[ Or, something like it, she supposes. Close enough, and yet: ] I... had worried, before, when you mentioned being both human and crystal. [ At the time, his words has been a means to meet her in some sort of patchwork middle between them after a heated, tenuous talk. The comparison to her had served its purpose, but now... ] I'd rather you be all of yourself.

I'd rather you have all of your own memories to call your own, and not be lost in others'.

[ A way-- a way to secure his memories, or guide him back should he be lost in that ocean of them... Is there a way? Her brow furrows as she thinks. ]

[He's quiet for a long moment, thinking carefully on her words, on the implications behind them. Pyra is one of the few uniquely qualified to perhaps understand the gravity of what this could mean, and that niggling little doubt in the back of his mind is growing increasingly intense the more he considers exactly where these visions or thoughts or memories could have come from.

The biggest thing that changed was...]

...Pyra. [He takes a deep breath, looking up abruptly, though not at her.] Being alive for hundreds of years... you must've seen and experienced a lot. You're carrying a lot of memories just on your own, right?

[Even if she was locked away for so long, even if she didn't exist as herself until more recently, Mythra was there, she's controlled ancient artifices, her father is some kind of creator god-]

[ She looks up at him, still distracted by her thoughts of how to best go about trying to help him through this. Is it possible to even mitigate the severity of the memories he receives, or perhaps cap the deluge from overwhelming him? Like a sink, a shutter, or something else... ]

Er, yes.

[ She has something to say, but she feels as if he's about to continue to a point, so she waits for him to continue. ]

[Rather than continue, he looks away again, peering down at his tea quietly before taking a sip. Easy, easy. There's no need to fall into a panic yet, just because he's forming... suspicions. Nothing's confirmed. Maybe it's nothing, maybe he's wrong. He needs to think carefully, figure this out.

Closing his eyes to force away that dread for a moment, he backtracks.]

Do you think there's a way to... I don't know, reinforce it? The wall?

[Whatever it is that's holding these memories back, it's protecting him, isn't it? If a few trickle through once in a while, that's livable so long as the majority stay buried. He'd... be okay with that, he thinks. Hopes.]

[ The wall won’t hold over everything back. If she’s understanding this right, it’s just a matter of time where all such memories occur to him, and he need only be wary of when many awaken to his consciousness at once. Best to ensure that wall does not collapse on him.

She is capable of processing scores of data fed to her in a moment. A human mind couldn’t possibly handle all of that information at once.

Pyra fears the effect such a thing would have on him. Never mind him losing himself to memories, it could be mind numbingly catastrophic. Even now, just the thought of it has shaken him. The last time he’s been like this, he’d just seen a vision of his future. ]

The wall... It’s is only as strong as its weakest point, isn’t it? If you don’t know what that is, then... You need something to not only reinforce it, but buffer the memories as it falls.

[ She leans forward some, angling her face to look at him earnestly. Keeping hope. She needs him to keep hope— him being lost to who he is... that isn’t his future. She must believe that. ] Which— I mean to say. I... I think there is.

[He looks up as she leans in, catching sight of the hope in her gaze and latching onto it. Pyra's helped him plenty before- she often has decent solutions to whatever's plaguing him for one reason or another. Even a small step towards some semblance of normalcy would be good for his damaged calm.]

What is it?

[Not just reinforce, but buffer... so, some way to fend off or divert the memories? Or maybe even notice when they're happening? That would at least make him feel less crazy.]

Well.... Um.

[ It would be better to be confident in her answer, perhaps, as a way to reassure him. She cannot say that things will be alright without sounding it; however, her hesitation comes from not from what she thinks may be a potential solution, but whatever his reaction might be. ]

Me.

[ She sets her cup of tea down, lifting her other hand to her chest, her fingertips padding at the smooth surface of the crystal situated there. ] My crystal.... [ Her eyes lower, her fingers curl in his, and then her gaze raises. ]

I can splice a part of it to you.

[ And before he speaks up, she explains herself. ] If that "wall" breaks down and all of those memories of all the world come crashing onto you... It can process all of that information for you, instead.

Being fed the information of eons, and the lives and deaths of others... we're used to it. It would work as a background process for you.

[ She's not sure if this would stop him from receiving bouts of memories here and there in the meantime or even after that hypothetical wall of his collapses, but her proposition serves as a secondary dam to prevent total catastrophe if it does. ]

[Of all the things she could have suggested, that definitely had never occurred to him. He can't help staring at her, both surprised and undeniably worried.]

You can... you can just do that?

[He'd seen the crystal fragments she wears as accessories, of course - he's got one around his own wrist - but even so, the idea sounds wild to him, far too different from how he's ever believed crystals of power to function. If she's telling him then it must be true, so the question is mostly rhetorical. He's just... stunned.

Rather than wait for her answer, he shifts directly to the next concern her idea brings to mind.]

Wouldn't that hurt you? It's part of you...

[It sounds too good to be true. While he's admittedly wary of being connected to another crystal to help bypass the uncomfortable side effects of the first, he can talk to her, and she to him. If something happened she could explain it to him, maybe reverse whatever's been done if something goes wrong. It's a luxury he doesn't have with his own, and like when she'd pulled him in to meet Mythra, it... makes it less scary. Just a bit. Enough to not immediately say no.

Still- they're pretty fresh off of a conversation where she'd fretted over not doing enough for him, and here he is with another problem, and her with a potential solution. One that involves- what, carving a part of herself off for his sake? He doesn't want this if it puts her in danger.]

I can. [ She replies with a nod, holding his gaze and feeling relieved that he hadn't outright dismissed the offer. She had thought that offering what is, essentially, another crystal (at least in part) in addition to his own would make him adverse to the idea, but it seems he sees there is difference between his world's and her own.

That's. That's good, even if he does end up refusing. It means that he isn't wary of her. ] And no, it won't. But it will bind us together since... um, this crystal is a part of me. [ Just another way in which they'll be connected, like his magic dwelling within her. ]

...I just worry that-- it won't prevent you from receiving a trickle of memories randomly, as you have been getting. But it'll be able to lighten the pressure all of those memories exert. [ And perhaps stop a total collapse. ]

["Bind us together"... his gaze drops at that, falling to their intertwined hands; she's holding his left hand, the underside of which bears the covenant marks. He's already bound to so much, most of it for reasons he doesn't yet understand, and never by choice. Blood or destiny has connected him to otherworldly beings, and to a fate he can't escape.

Pyra's... different. Someone he knows, and trusts. Someone he views as a person, not a god or pure power. But the fact that it is a similar connection might be what scares him. A crystal. Her crystal. But she's also letting him choose, which as they've already discussed is a rarity for him, and something he cherishes when it happens.

He purses his lips, unsure still whether the cure is better than the disease, so to speak.]

I... you said, bind. To you. What's that mean exactly?

[They're already connected through his magic, and they know what that entails. It'd be important to understand how that works both ways.]

Us. It would bind us-- you, and me. [ Not just him bound to her, but her bound to him.

For a moment, she's lost to a memory: "...one in body and soul. That's their very nature." This is what Addam had told her, and what she had repeated, kept close to her heart after. Quite the poetic notion of the bond, ...but exaggerated, unfortunately.

Noctis does, though, need some background on her end. ]

...The form we take now, it's not of a human, but a being known as a 'Blade' in my world. When a Blade and Driver resonate, they form a bond. However, Blades do not yield their core crystals unto their Drivers-- not like I can. [ Because... she's more than a Blade. ] This would be like that, but more, since I would be giving you a part of my crystal. We'll be tethered more deeply. Like... your power, imprinted within me. I would be with you, too.

You'd be able to channel my power more effectively. [ She pauses here as a thought occurs to her: he'd even be able to use her sword. Her sword, something she has not summoned in all of her time existing as "Pyra". Never in Elysium, not even in Aellyn...

And even if he agrees to this, perhaps he still wouldn't. It's peaceful here. It's wonderful, and fighting and battle isn't the purpose of her offering this bond, anyway. The important part are the memories that plague him, the ones that do not belong to him. That, she's very certain, (spiritually? literally?) grafting a portion of her crystal to him could help with. ] And whenever we are in sync, we would be able to-- ah, feel... more what each other is feeling. [ Much like that one time in bed--

She continues. ]

Unlike normal Blades, I can rescind this bond myself, should you want. Both my power and the crystal from you.

[Everything she says sounds very much like a double-edged sword. In concept, it seems neat, and incredibly useful; he doesn't need more power, so that isn't really a draw for him, but if it did work, and it could stem the flow of these wild memories, or at least prevent him from drowning in them... he wonders what that would feel like, if it would truly help the way she thinks it might. Even the idea of it makes his heart beat a little faster, anxious and eager and reaching for it, all at the same time. That reassurance could be a huge weight off his shoulders, if. If.

Still, he can't help feeling hesitant- for himself, but also for her. By the stilted way she's speaking about it, she doesn't sound 100% certain this is something she wants, either.]

All this sounds like a lot of benefits for me. What about you? How do you feel about it? Is... this the power that people fought over you for?

[Plus that- feel what another is feeling, that part worries him. That isn't a burden it's want to force onto anyone, even for the help it might offer in return. Or especially because of that.]

[ What about her? Besides being bonded further with the one she loves--

Perhaps, when she had just been getting to know him, when she hadn't known much of anyone here, she would have doubted him, been anxious if he would abuse her power in some way. But she knows him better, she knows him to be good, so much so that this doubt hadn't even occurred to her in the moment of offering this as a solution.

That it hadn't occurred to her makes her realize just how much she trusts him. ]

Noct...

That hadn't-- with you, I hadn't even thought about that...

[ She struggles to put her thoughts into words as she looks at him, lowering her hand from her crystal to reinforce their already joined hands. ] The first time... [ A flicker of guilt, at this, as it touches onto her past, at which she's always hesitant to share-- ] Who stood before me to attempt to resonate with me-- that, I had no say. I had just been a crystal to which they all reached out for. Among them, I chose one. [ --and then the guilt fades. There. That context, that history hadn't been terrible to provide. It put things into perspective, a bit, of how far she's come. Like him, this is new to her. She blinks twice, her lips parting with a quiet breath as she lifts her head.

This time, she's before him as she is now, "human", and she knows him. ]

I'm choosing to give you this offer.

[ It's different, she believes. Very different. He's not clamoring for her. He's not even intending to use her as some sort of weapon or claim to power. This offer is all her. This. This is a first. Her power, potentially being used to protect... And what an important thing it would be, too: protecting him from an onslaught of memories, hopefully keeping him intact. She wants him to remain him!]

[His fingers curl slightly in hers, taking in those words and rolling them carefully over in his mind for a few moments. That sounded a hell of a lot more certain. Her word choice - or, literally the word choosing - means a great deal to him, considering how it's come up a few times lately. In the past, she too hadn't been given the choices she has now; she'd been able to decide who to select, but not that those not chosen made the attempt to claim her power. Here she can decide... and she's offering it to him.

He, too, has a choice he gets to make in this. He looks up at her, down to their joined hands, then back again, and his eyes soften. Just knowing this... that she'd give this to him, a gift of reassurance and protection when she'd been so, so careful to guard her abilities before... he understands and recognizes the immense decision she's making, here. It must have taken incredible courage just to offer it to him.

And that's why he can't accept now.]

Can I... think it over for a while?

[It's not really a question; he's certain she'll allow it. It's such a kindness on her part, and he can only imagine what a sacrifice it would be if she went through with it. To share a part of herself sounds so much more intensive than the link of power they'd shared with one another thus far. Thus, he wants to wait. He wants to be certain that the choice he makes is right for the both of them before he accepts her gift- that he needs it, that this isn't just a driven paranoia due to so many unknowns. He doesn't want to see her hurt or waste efforts on something self-sacrificial if it's ultimately unnecessary.]

[ He's free to take his time with responding to her, just as much he's free to take his time in thinking over his options and what he wishes to do. She doesn't mind the wait as much as she doesn't mind how his hand grasps hers more firmly for a tentative, but reassuring squeeze.

She smiles at him, replying without hesitation. ] Of course.

[ It's not as if there is a time limit to her offer. That time limit, whether real or merely perceived, lies on his end with the presence of memories just waiting to be awakened.

It's scary to think about. But at present, the best thing to do is to wait-- and to believe in what she told him before, that the Noctis she had seen in the future had indeed been him. ] Ah, you know... I had another thought. A little less-- heavy.

Is it possible that these memories that come to you are ones you subconsciously pull out from the crystal's vault of them? Making a cake-like dish for breakfast does seem something like you want.

Like, literal wishful thinking?

[Her suggestion finally coaxes a little smile out of him, wary, but glad to edge away from a choice he's not ready to make yet. It does feel less heavy now with some kind of solution on the table, whether he takes it or not.]

Yeah, that sounds like me. Think I could be that lucky for once? Just collecting useful memories?

[...ah... but there'd been that one with Izunia, and his daemonic form. That hadn't felt so lucky. It'd at least been useful to the... conversation? Maybe, sure.]

[ Wishful thinking, indeed, and she knows it. But she wants to give him some hope. ]

Ah, that is... it would depend on what sort of other memories you've gotten, and in what context they fell to you.

[ This is the first time she's seen it happen with him. Perhaps the other times hadn't been so bad, either? Otherwise, surely he would have said something... Then again, perhaps not. Like her, he doesn't convey whatever he's bothered by either. ]

Edited 2020-12-05 20:42 (UTC)

Others... I can tell you the ones I remember.

[It isn't a very long list. He gives his jacket a onceover, then tugs at a button so she can see it. The stitching is fine, a complex looping thing totally unnecessary for mending such a simple piece of one's coat.]

A few months back, a button fell off, so I fixed it. At the time I figured I got distracted and was just messing with it, and that's why it looked like that, but... that's when I started to feel it. Like there was something, uh. Heavy. I talked to Ardyn about it, and at some point he looked... different. [He shakes his head, pursing his lips and not going into further detail about that.] It was probably just in my head.

[A memory... something someone else saw, not him? Who would have been there?]

Seeing things... That seems a little different than just being lost in thought and baking.

[ Which is better and which is worse, though? In either case, he has no choice in being delivered these memoires. ]

That's kinda what got me worried. I don't... [He winces, looking down.] I need to be able to trust what I see. It's one thing if I'm just talking to someone, but what if it happens at a bad time?

[A fight, or even just a spar- if the person becomes the wrong thing and his instincts kick in, or he can't catch it in time, how is he supposed to trust himself in battle again? He doesn't want a repeat of what he'd done to Prompto.]

[ She doesn't wish to lose him, and his reality needs to be his own, not someone else's. Trusting what he sees, feeling what he feels... he is entitled to both.

She pets her thumb along the side of his hand. ]

What brought you out of it last time? [ Perhaps it had been something Ardyn himself said that didn't match with what he was seeing. Or maybe it was a matter of time of letting the memory fade. She doesn't know, hence why she asks. This is a new--.... affliction the pressure of his crystal has put upon him, and they need to work through some sort of information. ]

Last time, I think... he said something, and it brought me back. It didn't sound like him, so it threw me off, I guess.

[He shrugs his shoulders, shifting sideways a little to lean against her, a subtle weight.]

It worked with you, too. When you talked to me, it clicked that you wanted my attention, and I forgot about the recipe.

[ So, then, it seems like he's easily shaken out of such visions-- for now. Perhaps in the future others will be more constricting, perhaps not. All they have now is what he's experienced thus far.

She feels relieved that that "for now" means that he's able to bear these short visions and be pulled from them to reality. ]

While I can't guarantee what will happen while we're apart... when we are together, I'll bring you back. Okay?

[ "I'm, um. A big fan of reality, turns out."

They had shared a kiss, then, so now she brings up his hand to her lips, pressing her fingers to the back of his hand. ] Promise.

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