carbungle | IC Contact

...I just wish there were more I could do to stop it.

[But there wasn't, was there? 'Ardyn Izunia' was as close to a foregone conclusion as anything was, no matter what they did to save the world. With or without Ifrit, he was going to lose himself sooner or later.]

[It hurt and terrified him beyond measure to know that. He would have readily sacrificed anything for the sake of the world, but to know he was sacrificing his own sanity only to make things so much worse felt so hopeless, antithetical to anything he had ever been.]

I'm sorry, I truly am, I am doing all I can simply to handle this right now. I'll get over it or at least won't complain about it so much, but...right now I'm useless for anything except being upset about how much of a disaster I'll turn into.

[Noctis makes a faint noise at that, setting down his glass and leaning both elbows on the table with his head in his hands. He's bad at this. He knows this, he knows he's bad at it and always has been. There are no words to just magically sweep this away, and the grasp he has on his own peace of mind is incredibly tentative at best, so he can hardly expect more from the supposed villain in the equation. He's not asking Ardyn to just get over it, any more than he'd ask the same of himself. That isn't how this works.

Okay. Okay, just... think. What's better than this. What's more useful than saying a bunch of nonsense that probably doesn't work anyway. What's... helpful.

Finally he lifts his head, giving a long-suffering look towards Ardyn, and gestures towards the couch.]

You wanna go hug it out over there and share the bottle until we pass out? Because I've got nothing else for advice, but misery loves company, and... y'know. [A helpless gesture.] We watched ourselves die. I'm no expert but we probably need it.

...

[He seemed to think that over, forcibly pulling himself back together enough to focus.]

Would...that really be alright with you? You're likely to pass out long before I do.

[Noctis shrugs his shoulders. At this point it matters very little what's alright with him in light of what Ardyn probably needs.]

It's my house. Not like anyone has to carry me home. Stay as long as you want, you're welcome here.

[Not something he would say to Izunia.]

A...alright. [True enough; Noctis knew by now that if he asked for space, Ardyn would give it to him without question. The fact that he didn't right now was assurance enough that he wouldn't, regardless of Ardyn's humanity or lack thereof.]

I would like that.

[Satisfied by that, and with a nod and a deep swig of his glass to finish it - because even shitty wine is not to be wasted when your goal is to quietly drown yourself in woes - he grabs the bottle and carries it over to the couch. After nudging some cushions aside to make room, he flops down onto one side of it, propping his feet up shamelessly on the coffee table. The other half's for you, uncle, time to cozy up and be sadsacks.]

[Ardyn followed without an argument, settling in next to Noctis and leaning very lightly on his shoulder--almost cautiously, really.]

...Thank you for putting up with all this. I don't mean to cause you more trouble than I already have.

I'm not putting up with anything. You asked and I invited you.

[He offers the bottle out, shifting over so the lean is much more obvious on his side. Ardyn wants to be cautious, fine, but he's tearing down those pointless barriers, at least for one day. Cue aggressive non-optional cuddle.]

Here's a rule to consider: you're allowed to feel bad about yourself, but don't frame it in a way that makes me the asshole.

I...I'm sorry. I'll try not to make such a mistake again.

[After all, if he didn't want to hurt anyone then it would be pretty damn stupid to start now.]

[...He'd definitely take a drink, at least.]

I've never been very skilled with expressing problems, I'm afraid. It's something I clearly need to learn.

We can practice, I guess. Take a whack at it. See if you can say how you feel without mentioning us at all.

[At least Noctis doesn't sound angry about it. He's being a brat but he's also doing it to make a point, here.]

[Ardyn gave that some thought, handing the bottle back and crossing his arms. Choosing his words carefully:]

...I don't want to disappear.

[It was a start.]

[A good start. Noctis accepts the bottle, stewing on it a moment before taking a swig.]

Nobody would- especially like that.

[And especially now, having regained a family he lost.]

What you saw... are you angry?

At myself, I think. If I can call this anger, I think it would be frustration towards whatever I'll become.

Not at me?

[He's the one who does the killing, after all. Even if he's... changed, it still must have been painful to watch. A man with the face of Somnus once again killing a man bearing his own visage, all the purge the world of darkness and sit the throne, even if just for a moment.]

Of course not.

[An answer without hesitation, Ardyn uneasily resting a hand on his chest where a scar laid hidden under his shirt.]

It was--will be the right thing this time. That...isn't me. I would rather be dead than exist as that, and even with that aside...

[There was a brief pause that time, Ardyn searching for the right way to say what he was thinking.]

...I think he'll want that much. You'll be doing me a favor, whichever Ardyn I am by then.

[It's weird that he has mixed feelings on that. Would it be easier to handle anger? He's more equipped to deal with it, considering how he was raised and everything he went through, as opposed to the sorrow and self-loathing. At least when you're angry you just need to hit something for a while until that feeling subsides. This is... far more complicated.

On the other hand, the whole conflict was born from hate. He doesn't want to be hated, least of all by his own family.]

You won't be forgotten. I know it doesn't help, or change anything, but... people need to know what happened, and how things got this bad. Otherwise something like it could just happen again.

That is...a bit comforting, I think.

[He couldn't be angry at Noctis for this, when none of it was his fault or choice. By now he could barely even hate Somnus for all that had happened, and a lot had happened.]

It--it would be nice to think people might actually know what transpired back then, and better still to be able to prevent it.

Count on the guys to take care of that. Especially Ignis- he could dictate a whole book about it, probably.

[And it's Ignis, so of course he'd put a hell of an effort into studying their history. He wouldn't let the end of the Lucii's story be inaccurate.]

Terribly-detail oriented, though that's a good quality to have.

[Talking about Ignis would be the last thing that would help, though Ardyn wasn't about to admit to that. Instead he uneasily settled an arm over Noctis' shoulders in an uncertain not-quite-hug, hesitating before speaking again.]

And what about you? What are you feeling about all this?

[Loaded question, but he sort of asked for it by doing it first. Noctis doesn't refuse the hug- rather, he leans closer into it and recollects the wine for another drink. Loose those lips, so he doesn't give in to the temptation to shut down entirely.]

Pretty messed up, if we're being honest. [His fingers scrape over the glass, debating whether or not to say it, but- gods, he has to talk about it with someone, doesn't he? And if anyone would understand the conflicted emotions he's trying to deal with, it's Ardyn.] ...It's... my dad. The one who does it. All the past kings get a turn, but he's the last.

[And he has no idea, no idea how he's supposed to face Regis next and not let anything show, not give away by even the slightest of reactions that he's distressed about getting killed by his own father one day.]

[...Fucking hell.]

[Ardyn didn't say that, obviously, but sure as hell thought something to that general tune. Could this get worse? ...Probably, and he really didn't want to think about how.]

That's hardly fair at all, in several different aspects. [His arm tightened around Noctis, just a little. Ardyn knew he couldn't do a thing to protect him, but he could at least try to put forth the effort.] Once was certainly enough, I don't see how that's anything but cruel.

[Noctis has long stopped wondering what could get worse, because it inevitably does at some point or another. That's been the path of his life for months now.]

Yeah. And I don't blame him or anything, I'm not angry... it must be hard, existing in the ring like that. And I was... absorbing them into myself, I think. Like I'm taking them with me when I... go. So they had to...

[He doesn't exactly know what that means, if he'd already killed Ardyn at that point, but it felt real.]

Still, I... it's not like I can tell him. But I don't know if I can pretend I didn't see it, either.

There's a fair bit here that would all be near impossible to tell him. It isn't my place to decide whether you do or not and what you choose to say, but...if it were me I would at least wish to know the partial truth, if the whole of it should be too cruel to say.

What counts as partial truth? What's safe? It's bad enough he knows he dies. Hell, it's bad enough that he was there for my reaction to seeing you for the first time.

[He's pretty confident that his father is aware that the future goes very, very badly for him.]

We still... haven't talked about that, either.

...I don't know. I wish that I had an actual useful answer instead of just fumbling around trying to help, but there's nothing I can say worth much of anything.

[In other words, everything's terrible and there's no right answer.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject