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I-I know. We agreed that the fate of the world was the most important thing to consider, no matter what course of action was taken to preserve it. It's for the best, and saving our world is the only thing I ever wanted to accomplish.

[And he still believed that, of course. Paying for such a thing with his life, that was nothing. Becoming a monster, traumatizing and killing who even knew how many in the process...that much was a little harder to accept.]

And I know it's selfish, I know I should either accept it or try harder to consider some other avenue that leads to the same end result, I'm going to die for the sake of the world and that's fine, but...

[He dropped his head into his hands, with a shaky sigh.]

...I can't stand this. Every minute of every day, I know exactly what I am. I never feel hunger or any pressing need to sleep, I'm always so damn cold, I can't even stand in sunlight without feeling a constant burning sensation. And I can't stand knowing this godsforsaken thing I'm constantly aware of that isn't me is going to destroy whatever's left that might still be human.

I don't care that I have to die. I just...want to be allowed to do it while 'I' still exist at all.

...Yeah.

[He gets it. To the extent that he can, anyway; it's not as if he'll ever truly understand what it is to be a daemon, or to endure the state of un-life that Ardyn exists in every day; at most he knows the poison of Starscourge in his veins, a cold memory of his own distant past, or the burning sensation brought on by the ring's unforgiving fire. It isn't the same, but it's starting point to imagine the worst that lies beyond. If their roles were reversed, he would be suffering through it, too.]

Do you think that... we could still end up there somehow, if you didn't take Ifrit's memories? If we could fight as... friends, or family. I could set you free from your suffering, and then bring back the light... if the end result is the same, would it still be okay?

[If they need to die, then they die. That's... fine. He can accept that. But anyone should have the right to die as themselves. He wants to be himself when he passes, not Somnus or some twisted puppet of the gods and their Crystal, thinking only of destiny and sacrifice; similarly, Ardyn wants to be his own person, not a herald of the dark or a ruthless monster fueled only by hatred. They don't have to change the future, they don't have to spare themselves. As much as he wants to live, he won't risk that much. But... why do they have to be anything but who they truly are when they die?]

I don't know. If that were possible it would be fine, but-

[Ardyn cut himself off, not daring to look up. He didn't want to voice a suspicion he barely even dared to think about, but being asked outright forced him to examine it more closely than he would ever have wished to. Hands tangled in violet hair that had long since ceased to be red, gold eyes that should have been blue stared at the floor.]

To say 'you don't know what this feels like' would be an insult, but it doesn't affect me the way it does other people. And I don't know if even this tenuous grasp on sanity is sustainable even as I am now.

[Grim. Fitting, and... understandable, but he hates to hear it nonetheless. To think that even without Ifrit's influence, Ardyn might go mad long before he or his father could intervene and spare him from Niflheim, give him back the family he lost, maybe help him work through the grief that's left him wounded and alone for thousands of years. If he had someone, even one person to support him, surely... it couldn't end worse than where they're at in the future he knows. But in their world that's out of his hands. He's not even born yet.]

I don't know what else to do except... live like this, as long as we can. Enjoy the borrowed time. The future's gonna come for us eventually, but we don't have to live in it now.

[It's overly optimistic, he knows. They barely feel like they're his own words, rather something borrowed from Pyra or someone capable of boundless cheer, much more than himself.]

And... if an opportunity comes our way, if we know for sure we can make things better for everyone... for us... without risking the future. We take it.

...There's nothing we can do right now, if anything can be done at all. I--I know that.

[Of course he did. They couldn't very well stop with the fate of the world at stake, and Ardyn didn't plan to. Sacrificing himself for others was the only thing he knew how to do, and at least in that one small respect he could still be some shadow of himself.]

I just can't....stop feeling like this, being terrified of becoming something I never wanted to. I already barely knew how to live like a normal human, so how can I knowing all I'm going to end up doing is hurt every single one of you?

[He understands the fear; it's expected, of course it is, especially in light of what he's witnessed already. It happened to Regis, then Noctis. Cor also slept, though as far as he knew the man woke up no older, but it was still too close for comfort. It's the same logic that drove Besithia to ask Noctis to kill him, should the worst occur: should he fall asleep and wake up as a monster, they'll lose all they've built up between them and there'd be no going back.

No matter what he says, the Ardyn before him now isn't a monster in his eyes, but that could happen at any time. He could fall ill and become that man, turn against all he's come to care for, and do who-knows-what to this town. There's nothing any of them can do to stop it, much as they'd want to. Any reassurances of this would be useless, and they'd both know it.

He drinks his wine again, stalling for his words. Should really have saved Era's bottle, ugh. This is a bad habit to pick up.]

At least you came to talk. Instead of hiding it. [It's... a weak concession, but an honest one.] We're, um... you know we're here for you. You're not alone with this.

[He took a slow breath in some attempt to steady himself, running his hands back through unearthly-colored hair and straightening back up. As straightened up as he ever did, slouching as he was prone to do.]

...I shouldn't be bothering you with this; it's unfair to ask you or the others to bear anything of the sort, I'm sorry.

[Even now, he couldn't stand it; his role was to take on the pain for others, not burden them with his own problems. Least of all when it was one with no solution.]

[Noctis exhales at that, a somewhat annoyed noise.]

Didn't you hear what I just said?

[What good would hiding it do? Even if none of them can physically prevent what might happen, at least they can support one another against the garbage fate that awaits all of them.]

But I-...after everything I've done, all the horrendous things I said to you, I-...don't deserve that kind of help. Not yours or anyone else's.

[His own words were rattling around in his head like an echo, all growled hatred and snapped venom.]

If all of you simply gave up on me now, perhaps the inevitable would sting less for you.

I don't know what you said to me, and I don't care to know either.

[He has enough of those memories already, thanks. And he's been able to separate Ardyn's voice from Izunia's because what they say makes a huge difference.]

The point is, it isn't you. It wasn't you. You shouldn't be okay with getting abandoned for things you haven't done.[....] Anyway, it's not gonna happen.

...What am I supposed to do, Noctis?

[He folded his arms again, barely short of hugging his own shoulders and looking literally anywhere else.]

What happens if someday I should wake up here as something else entirely? I'm well past helpless and beyond useless to prevent it whether here or back at home.

It's not like I have all the answers, here.

[Noctis shakes his head. He's trying, but if he has no solution for himself what can he offer Ardyn? The situation sucks whatever way you look at it.]

I know what I'm going to do, though. Or... I think I do, anyway. I'm not going to give up just because I know I'm doomed. I'm gonna live the best life I can, while I can. And I'll probably screw it up, and there'll be days where I can't even get out of bed or look at another person, but to hell with it. They'll end me, but they don't own me.

["You're still you." He knows this, because he feels it. As long as he feels anything, he knows what he is. He doesn't have to smile, or be happy, or fake it, or pretend everything's fine when it isn't. Not unless he wants to. He has free will, and that means he can feel it all freely, good or bad.]

I'm not a tool. Neither are you. We're still alive, and we're still us. Every day I wake up as me, I'm gonna live it.

R...right. I'm sorry, I know I'm asking too much of you.

[But he was kind of limited in his options of who he could talk to about this, or about himself.]

It's...it's just difficult for me right now, trying to believe any of that matters knowing that I'll disappear long before 'Ardyn' does.

If it happens, we'll miss you. We'll mourn you. But we won't blame you for becoming what he is. We know you don't want it.

[Truly, he wishes he had better answers. But without knowing what to change and how, or what could be made worse in the future by those changes, he has no way to suggest an alternative. Nor does he have the will to do so. He's not going to be the one who screws up the return of the dawn their world desperately needs.]

It's... it's okay to be afraid of that. Anyone would be. But you can't let it eat you up, either.

...I just wish there were more I could do to stop it.

[But there wasn't, was there? 'Ardyn Izunia' was as close to a foregone conclusion as anything was, no matter what they did to save the world. With or without Ifrit, he was going to lose himself sooner or later.]

[It hurt and terrified him beyond measure to know that. He would have readily sacrificed anything for the sake of the world, but to know he was sacrificing his own sanity only to make things so much worse felt so hopeless, antithetical to anything he had ever been.]

I'm sorry, I truly am, I am doing all I can simply to handle this right now. I'll get over it or at least won't complain about it so much, but...right now I'm useless for anything except being upset about how much of a disaster I'll turn into.

[Noctis makes a faint noise at that, setting down his glass and leaning both elbows on the table with his head in his hands. He's bad at this. He knows this, he knows he's bad at it and always has been. There are no words to just magically sweep this away, and the grasp he has on his own peace of mind is incredibly tentative at best, so he can hardly expect more from the supposed villain in the equation. He's not asking Ardyn to just get over it, any more than he'd ask the same of himself. That isn't how this works.

Okay. Okay, just... think. What's better than this. What's more useful than saying a bunch of nonsense that probably doesn't work anyway. What's... helpful.

Finally he lifts his head, giving a long-suffering look towards Ardyn, and gestures towards the couch.]

You wanna go hug it out over there and share the bottle until we pass out? Because I've got nothing else for advice, but misery loves company, and... y'know. [A helpless gesture.] We watched ourselves die. I'm no expert but we probably need it.

...

[He seemed to think that over, forcibly pulling himself back together enough to focus.]

Would...that really be alright with you? You're likely to pass out long before I do.

[Noctis shrugs his shoulders. At this point it matters very little what's alright with him in light of what Ardyn probably needs.]

It's my house. Not like anyone has to carry me home. Stay as long as you want, you're welcome here.

[Not something he would say to Izunia.]

A...alright. [True enough; Noctis knew by now that if he asked for space, Ardyn would give it to him without question. The fact that he didn't right now was assurance enough that he wouldn't, regardless of Ardyn's humanity or lack thereof.]

I would like that.

[Satisfied by that, and with a nod and a deep swig of his glass to finish it - because even shitty wine is not to be wasted when your goal is to quietly drown yourself in woes - he grabs the bottle and carries it over to the couch. After nudging some cushions aside to make room, he flops down onto one side of it, propping his feet up shamelessly on the coffee table. The other half's for you, uncle, time to cozy up and be sadsacks.]

[Ardyn followed without an argument, settling in next to Noctis and leaning very lightly on his shoulder--almost cautiously, really.]

...Thank you for putting up with all this. I don't mean to cause you more trouble than I already have.

I'm not putting up with anything. You asked and I invited you.

[He offers the bottle out, shifting over so the lean is much more obvious on his side. Ardyn wants to be cautious, fine, but he's tearing down those pointless barriers, at least for one day. Cue aggressive non-optional cuddle.]

Here's a rule to consider: you're allowed to feel bad about yourself, but don't frame it in a way that makes me the asshole.

I...I'm sorry. I'll try not to make such a mistake again.

[After all, if he didn't want to hurt anyone then it would be pretty damn stupid to start now.]

[...He'd definitely take a drink, at least.]

I've never been very skilled with expressing problems, I'm afraid. It's something I clearly need to learn.

We can practice, I guess. Take a whack at it. See if you can say how you feel without mentioning us at all.

[At least Noctis doesn't sound angry about it. He's being a brat but he's also doing it to make a point, here.]

[Ardyn gave that some thought, handing the bottle back and crossing his arms. Choosing his words carefully:]

...I don't want to disappear.

[It was a start.]

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