carbungle | IC Contact

Yep. Lucky us.

[He's trying to be matter-of-fact about it, but it's obvious from his body language and the subtle tremor of his voice that he'd been left shaken by the vision. There's no escaping more bad news, it seems.]

What was it?

I saw what we both already know. That...you're going to kill me, in what I can only presume to be Insomnia.

[....

Hah... of course. Of course it was that. Noctis isn't sure if he wants to laugh to cry, so instead he just rubs his forehead with a grimace.]

Got any wine left? I don't think tea's gonna do it right now.

[Ardyn made a vague gesture, last bottle of his Niflheim-made wine appearing from the Armiger and set a bit shakily on the table.]

I'm sorry. I--it's as I said. I didn't know who else to talk to about it.

[Oh thank god. The replicator wine sucks, and Noctis doesn't even like wine to begin with, but with the subject being this sore he needs it to loosen his tongue. He fetches a couple of glasses for the table and ditches the kettle, moving to sit down with Ardyn.]

It's fine. [Well. Maybe not fine, but he accepts the truth as it is. Not like he has a lot of people he can talk to about this either.] Sounds like you got part 1, and I got part 2.

[He hesitates then; keeping it vague is easier, but it isn't going to help either of them piece it together.]

I... saw myself die, too.

...

[Ardyn was briefly stunned into silence, because what did one even say to that? Another apology caught in his throat, halted by how empty and useless it would sound.]

Will...you be alright? Is there anything I can do--I could leave if--if you would rather...

[Noctis shakes his head, instead reaching for the bottle to uncork it and pour out the glasses. Whether or not he's alright - and he most definitely isn't - has nothing to do with the Ardyn sitting here in front of him. He's still working on being... okay... with seeing that face, but avoiding the issue isn't going to help.]

You weren't there. Must've already... [He gestures vaguely. Whatever Ardyn saw.] Anyway, shouldn't I be asking you that? I'm the one who's gonna do it.

It...isn't as though I'm all that angry about it.

[Not yet, at least. Anger was the sort of thing reserved for an Ardyn he didn't know.]

I'm not fully certain what it is I'm feeling right now. Shame and disgust at myself, most likely.

I shouldn't have to tell you that wasn't you.

[Though based on what he knows of the man, it merits repeating.]

If it was, you definitely wouldn't be here.

I know. I know that, but...does the distinction even matter anymore? Does anything, if all I am going to do is turn into that?

[Noctis is quiet for a long moment at that, not really having a solid answer that isn't just empty placation, which at this point doesn't help much. He takes a swig of his drink - and grimaces, because it's not to his taste at all, but wine is wine - then leans back in his chair.]

...Hey, in that vision... did you get a good look at my face?

...I did. Why do you ask?

[Carefully, cautiously, he avoids Ardyn's gaze.]

I looked like him.

[There were traces of himself, of his father, in that face. He knew they were there, knew it was himself, had seen his own eyes staring back at him in a mirror days ago. And he's known all along that he shared certain similar features with the Founder King in what can only be called uncanny, considering 2000 years lay between them. Those similarities could certainly carry into full adulthood.

This was... this was different, though. Like he'd been moulded that way during his time inside the Crystal, reformed into a ghost of the past. A physical representation of all that Izunia had come to hate in one body: Somnus, the Lucii legacy, the ring, the Crystal-]

I looked like him and he looked like you, but we're not... we're not them.

...I don't know what to do, Noctis.

[The admission came quietly, Ardyn neither willing nor able to argue. Noctis was right and that was undeniable, but at the same time...for the dawn to break necessitated the fall of night in the first place. If things were going to unfold as written, then they both had to be resigned to more than just their deaths.]

I'm afraid of myself. Afraid that there's no way to prevent this person from disappearing and something else taking his place. Whatever else happens, I don't...I don't want to lose myself and hurt all of you.

I know.

[It's been a struggle for him for a while now, since he woke up fearing and hating the future of the man he'd come to appreciate and rely on- love, if pressed, as family. He can't fathom feeling that way for the one who betrayed and tormented him, wounded him right to the core by stealing that which he cherished, but the difference between them is a matter of years and the memories of an Astral who hated humanity. It's not a lot. At the same time it's infinite, too huge to truly imagine.

What the hell can they do, to fight against that infinity, or the will of the gods?]

I don't want you to end up that way, either. But we can't turn out backs on the end result.

[His hands clasp around the glass, bowing his head for a moment, before he glances up.]

...I saw the sunrise. After. It was... beautiful. Breathtaking. And... we did that. When it's over, the world's gonna be okay.

[Without us, is the unfortunate conclusion. But it's a conclusion that needs to happen, to free to world of the dark, the daemons, the Scourge. It's what they want- what they deserve, after everything they've suffered. To leave the world better than it was before either of them were born.]

I-I know. We agreed that the fate of the world was the most important thing to consider, no matter what course of action was taken to preserve it. It's for the best, and saving our world is the only thing I ever wanted to accomplish.

[And he still believed that, of course. Paying for such a thing with his life, that was nothing. Becoming a monster, traumatizing and killing who even knew how many in the process...that much was a little harder to accept.]

And I know it's selfish, I know I should either accept it or try harder to consider some other avenue that leads to the same end result, I'm going to die for the sake of the world and that's fine, but...

[He dropped his head into his hands, with a shaky sigh.]

...I can't stand this. Every minute of every day, I know exactly what I am. I never feel hunger or any pressing need to sleep, I'm always so damn cold, I can't even stand in sunlight without feeling a constant burning sensation. And I can't stand knowing this godsforsaken thing I'm constantly aware of that isn't me is going to destroy whatever's left that might still be human.

I don't care that I have to die. I just...want to be allowed to do it while 'I' still exist at all.

...Yeah.

[He gets it. To the extent that he can, anyway; it's not as if he'll ever truly understand what it is to be a daemon, or to endure the state of un-life that Ardyn exists in every day; at most he knows the poison of Starscourge in his veins, a cold memory of his own distant past, or the burning sensation brought on by the ring's unforgiving fire. It isn't the same, but it's starting point to imagine the worst that lies beyond. If their roles were reversed, he would be suffering through it, too.]

Do you think that... we could still end up there somehow, if you didn't take Ifrit's memories? If we could fight as... friends, or family. I could set you free from your suffering, and then bring back the light... if the end result is the same, would it still be okay?

[If they need to die, then they die. That's... fine. He can accept that. But anyone should have the right to die as themselves. He wants to be himself when he passes, not Somnus or some twisted puppet of the gods and their Crystal, thinking only of destiny and sacrifice; similarly, Ardyn wants to be his own person, not a herald of the dark or a ruthless monster fueled only by hatred. They don't have to change the future, they don't have to spare themselves. As much as he wants to live, he won't risk that much. But... why do they have to be anything but who they truly are when they die?]

I don't know. If that were possible it would be fine, but-

[Ardyn cut himself off, not daring to look up. He didn't want to voice a suspicion he barely even dared to think about, but being asked outright forced him to examine it more closely than he would ever have wished to. Hands tangled in violet hair that had long since ceased to be red, gold eyes that should have been blue stared at the floor.]

To say 'you don't know what this feels like' would be an insult, but it doesn't affect me the way it does other people. And I don't know if even this tenuous grasp on sanity is sustainable even as I am now.

[Grim. Fitting, and... understandable, but he hates to hear it nonetheless. To think that even without Ifrit's influence, Ardyn might go mad long before he or his father could intervene and spare him from Niflheim, give him back the family he lost, maybe help him work through the grief that's left him wounded and alone for thousands of years. If he had someone, even one person to support him, surely... it couldn't end worse than where they're at in the future he knows. But in their world that's out of his hands. He's not even born yet.]

I don't know what else to do except... live like this, as long as we can. Enjoy the borrowed time. The future's gonna come for us eventually, but we don't have to live in it now.

[It's overly optimistic, he knows. They barely feel like they're his own words, rather something borrowed from Pyra or someone capable of boundless cheer, much more than himself.]

And... if an opportunity comes our way, if we know for sure we can make things better for everyone... for us... without risking the future. We take it.

...There's nothing we can do right now, if anything can be done at all. I--I know that.

[Of course he did. They couldn't very well stop with the fate of the world at stake, and Ardyn didn't plan to. Sacrificing himself for others was the only thing he knew how to do, and at least in that one small respect he could still be some shadow of himself.]

I just can't....stop feeling like this, being terrified of becoming something I never wanted to. I already barely knew how to live like a normal human, so how can I knowing all I'm going to end up doing is hurt every single one of you?

[He understands the fear; it's expected, of course it is, especially in light of what he's witnessed already. It happened to Regis, then Noctis. Cor also slept, though as far as he knew the man woke up no older, but it was still too close for comfort. It's the same logic that drove Besithia to ask Noctis to kill him, should the worst occur: should he fall asleep and wake up as a monster, they'll lose all they've built up between them and there'd be no going back.

No matter what he says, the Ardyn before him now isn't a monster in his eyes, but that could happen at any time. He could fall ill and become that man, turn against all he's come to care for, and do who-knows-what to this town. There's nothing any of them can do to stop it, much as they'd want to. Any reassurances of this would be useless, and they'd both know it.

He drinks his wine again, stalling for his words. Should really have saved Era's bottle, ugh. This is a bad habit to pick up.]

At least you came to talk. Instead of hiding it. [It's... a weak concession, but an honest one.] We're, um... you know we're here for you. You're not alone with this.

[He took a slow breath in some attempt to steady himself, running his hands back through unearthly-colored hair and straightening back up. As straightened up as he ever did, slouching as he was prone to do.]

...I shouldn't be bothering you with this; it's unfair to ask you or the others to bear anything of the sort, I'm sorry.

[Even now, he couldn't stand it; his role was to take on the pain for others, not burden them with his own problems. Least of all when it was one with no solution.]

[Noctis exhales at that, a somewhat annoyed noise.]

Didn't you hear what I just said?

[What good would hiding it do? Even if none of them can physically prevent what might happen, at least they can support one another against the garbage fate that awaits all of them.]

But I-...after everything I've done, all the horrendous things I said to you, I-...don't deserve that kind of help. Not yours or anyone else's.

[His own words were rattling around in his head like an echo, all growled hatred and snapped venom.]

If all of you simply gave up on me now, perhaps the inevitable would sting less for you.

I don't know what you said to me, and I don't care to know either.

[He has enough of those memories already, thanks. And he's been able to separate Ardyn's voice from Izunia's because what they say makes a huge difference.]

The point is, it isn't you. It wasn't you. You shouldn't be okay with getting abandoned for things you haven't done.[....] Anyway, it's not gonna happen.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject